Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

fun fact: scientists discovered years ago that dogs and cats could actually talk and converse with humans, unless their human turned out to be super duper boring

Thank goodness it’s open for most of Octermeber

Dream inside a dream
 – inception

Inn inside an inn
 – innception

Re: Re:
 – reception

Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
 – email from your gran

I don’t like people staring at me on a good day let alone when I’m naked in the Smithsonian with my mummy bandages removed.

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣

SF is the wild wild west man

Motion detecting home security camera working well!

GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.

I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.

The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.

Kids be like I can’t eat any more bites at dinner and then shockingly have room for 7 cookies.

😭😭

Your perfume smells like a funeral parlor. What’s it called? In Loving Memory by Calvin Klein?

getting a nose ring so i don’t lose my keys

Mixology students be like, “My mint leaf dissertation needs to slap.”

I’m 6’ and I’m built like someone who overestimates by four inches

Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.

CDC: You can take your mask off if you’re fully vaccinated

AMATEUR VENTRILOQUIST: Goddammit

Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.

When I was growing up I always loved making sandcastles with my grandmother, at least until mom started hiding the urn.

giddy up Office Depot

a gay boyfriend is kinda like a brother you have sex with

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

Every day, I hope I don’t get bitten by a spider. I’m not afraid of spiders, I just don’t want the responsibility of being a superhero.

“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.

Me: ahahah say it again

The robot I built because I have no friends: hamborgers

Me: lmfao it’s hamburgers, you idiot

The robot I built that no longer wants to be friends with me:

Me: HAMBORGER LMAO

girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death

When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep