Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

St. Peter: “Spock?”

Leonard Nimoy: “I’m Leonard. Spock was just a character I played on TV.”

St. Peter: “HEY EVERYBODY! IT’S SPOCK!”

Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”

ME: *training a street fighter* Show your enemy no quarter.

THEM: It’s an arcade game tournament.

ME: Show your enemy two quarters.

If anyone needs to make a fake snowy winter wonderland, for a nominal fee I can come and exfoliate on your front lawn.

He died doing what he loved.

He didn’t know she was married.

“I’m a night owl”

all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.

Did you know that if a unicorn and I were to race the unicorn would likely win cause unicorns are about as real as my desire to race anything?

A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged

Make sure you tip your exorcist or else you can get repossessed.

weddings should have a worst man

I had a dream I went to Hell and Satan forced me to sing karaoke with him.
That’s right, the Devil made me duet.

*saves baby from burning building*
“How can I ever repay you?!”
Favstar in the bio
“Oh I don’t have Twi-”
*returns baby to burning building*

Phantom of the Opera: Oh sure, NOW masks are totally cool.

Boyfriend: I love you more than I love cake

Me: aww you must really love cake

Ex-boyfriend: eh it’s alright I guess

Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history

Seth Rogen and James Franco having their movie pulled due to terrorist threats sounds like the plot of a Seth Rogen and James Franco movie.

With my husband’s inability to find anything, I’m really surprised we have children.

ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]

WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?

Be the reason they have to add a section about roller skates to the employee handbook.

I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.

That awkward moment when you try something on in a shop but you don’t know if you can get it off again.

Him: What’s another word for pee?

Her: Urinate.

Him: Aw, thanks, babe…and you’re a ten, but please answer my question.

The reason that aliens have never visited us is because our solar system has received terrible reviews.

We only have one star.

Interviewer: u worked in sales before?
Me: yeah
Interviewer: what’s your background?
Me [gets phone out]: picture of my dog eating spaghetti

I never understood how the little drummer boy’s parents could just send him outside alone at night to play his drum until my daughter brought a recorder home from school.

The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots

5: can i play the wii?

me: does mommy usually let u guys this early in the morning?

5:

me:

5: but she’s still sleeping!!

me: i don’t want to die today.

I know we haven’t talked in awhile but I’ve been thinking about us a lot and I was wondering if u remembered the name of that burrito place

god: welcome to heaven, bob. today we reunite you with your soulmate

bob: karen!

god: karen? your soulmate is a japanese farmer named oshi