Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
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When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
My kid called me to tell me their car had a flat tire when they got to school.
Then pacified me with:
“Don’t worry mom, it’s only flat on the bottom.”We’re thinking Harvard.
Motherhood is accidentally handing the cashier some change with baby teeth in it and having to assure them that you’re also the tooth fairy and not a serial killer
If ever paramedics are trying to revive me and all else is failing, I hope someone has the good sense to play the sound of an approaching bin lorry into my ears. If that doesn’t wake me, I’m definitely dead.
Parents: Don’t play with sharp objects.
Parents in October: Here’s a knife. Now stab this pumpkin.
Bury me in a werewolf costume so when I come back as a zombie people will be like “lol what”
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
Me: I’ve had a long day. Make it a double.
Nurse administering the Covid shot: What?
[pirate ship capturing another ship]
Pirate: Prepare to be bored!
Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?
*pirate opens stamp collection*
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
Drinking pineapple juice will improve your complexion and adding rum will improve others’ looks.
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
[at the pet store]
Me: is this all the animals?
Owner: what you see is what we got
Me: damn, i was looking for a chameleon
I’m on the breadstick diet. You can only eat breadsticks but you can eat as many as you want. It’s not working.
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my bowl of breakfast chili.
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
“Never Gonna Give You Up” came on the radio & my 6yo confidently said, “I know who sings this!” Believing I had taught him well, my proud moment lasted 2 seconds until my son revealed his answer of Yung Gravy.
Beware of the dog..
Passwords are more important than ever.
KID: *is crying over school drama*
ME: Don’t worry, kid. All this anxiety and insecurity will diminish as you get older-
KID: *smiles hopefully up at me*
ME: and turn into an ominous fear that’ll follow you to the grave.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Canadians celebrate Thanksgiving earlier than Americans because we’ve learned to space out forcible family get-togethers
I don’t drink and drive because I can’t ever find my car keys when I’m sober.
i accidentally became friends with a coworker in their twenties. newsflash: they do not cancel plans at the last minute like ppl in their thirties.
