Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.

My mom- I need you to fix my email
Me- What’s your email address?
My mom- Verizon

I make up cringe corporate sayings in Teams meetings to see if they catch on. I felt a great sense of achievement when my boss remarked about a client wanting a sub-standard product “if the ducks want bread, give them bread”. I had forgotten about that one.

I’ve been single for so long I can’t even spell relionchip now

Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler

“And what is it about this job that appeals to you?”
“Well, I can fit it in around my lifestyle. Also being able to pardon myself for the crimes I’ve committed”

The concept of a sister wife doesn’t bother me so much as the fact there’d be one more person in my damn way this morning.

*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell

Drug dealer: if you’re a cop, you have to tell me

Me: [into shoulder radio] is that true

My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke

This may be the zombie bite talking, but “BRAINS.”

I’ve walked so much today my pigeons are killing me

[in bed]

Her: *seductively whispering* in the mood for a midnight snack?
Me: *Oreo crumbs all over my face* I’m way ahead of you

Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.

John Denver: Almost heaven-

Me: Wow the place he’s singing about must be amazing

John Denver: -West Virginia

Me: Ok

Whoever created crustless pot pie had no clue why people eat pot pie.

One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.

“You’re still a fun person,” I whisper to myself at 9:30 p.m, as I stir a pot of chilli like some kind of culinary night owl.

Nothing screams ‘life of the party’ like panic-cooking mince before it stages its own rebellion in the fridge.

If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.

Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.

twitter: you don’t owe ANYONE an explanation. ghost him. it’s called SELF CARE

twitter the next day: ghosting is literally physical abuse. DO NOT under any circumstances ghost ANYONE because they will likely decide to take their own life and you will be held solely responsible.

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair

This is what makes twitter great

Did Ace of Base ever do another song wherein it was explained what happened to her original baby?

We were making out on the couch and She’s like “Let’s take this upstairs” I’m like “Ok you grab one side and I’ll grab the other!”

This is still funny.

Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.

Fun Fact:

If you answer your phone, “Christ speaking”, 70% of the callers will hang up on you.

You’re welcome.

me: how much for the cow bras?

salesperson: those are gloves

If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home

There’s 2 types of idiots in the world.

1. You
2. All the other idiots