Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Q: If you could be any animal, which one would you be?

A: The drummer from the Muppets, next question.

I had to manually change the channel on the TV because the batteries in the remote died, and now the kids think I know magic.

we talk a lot of shit about men but without them we wouldn’t have forensic files, 48 hours, dateline, some 20/20s, serial, on the case with paula zahn, cold case, my favorite murder, making a murderer, homicide hunter,

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

Wile Coyote was the original online shopper and helped advance modern logistics and distribution.

Can’t believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life

“After seeing the way these common processed foods are made, you’ll never want to eat them again!”

I ate grass when I was little because I thought I was a horse. I guarantee you my care of what goes into my body is much lower than you give me credit for.

When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.

A fly swatter, but for close talkers.

Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late

“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.

roommate: do u have any shaving cream

me: no it tastes gross

roommate: you eat shaving crea-

me -no why would i eat it if it tastes gross

I don’t like using the locker room at the gym cuz the guys always stare when they notice my gym bag is filled with lasagna

When hipsters replaced hippies, we lost free love and drugs and got skinny jeans. Worst. Trade. Ever.

taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends

My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.

Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰

Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive

Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.

DR DOG: The test results came back.
PATIENT: Oh God
DR DOG: The tumor is–
*sees a squirrel out the window and takes off*

So unfortunately my Mom membership was revoked because they found out I’ve never arranged to have my family’s picture taken in a field of wheat or wildflowers.

Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable
Condoms are not biodegradable

if you care about the planet have unprotected sex!

It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.

My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.

I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW

After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.

I hangout with different people each day so I can wear the same clothes for 3 days straight.

Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.

As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table

*stable*
Me: that one
Stable hand: ah careful ridin her, she used to belong to an old knight
M: ok
*Horse goes 2 steps forward & 1 left*
WTF