Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Guy pitching Stuart Little: So this family adopts a kid and the whole story is about the new kid learning what it is to have a family and be loved

Producer: That sounds beautiful

Guy: The new kid is also a rat

Dog: I have to go outside.
Me: Okay.
Dog: I really really need to go outside.
Me: Okay okay I’m coming.
Dog: YOU NEED TO TAKE ME OUT NOW.
Me: OMG I’m right here let’s go.
Dog: Hold on I have to stretch for ten minutes.

ME: If we get nuked I hope my cats live. They can eat my corpse for sustenance. I’d be fine with that.
DAD: So you’re still single

[private investigator hands me a folder] well she’s not cheating on you
[looking though numerous photos of my wife refrigerating bread] oh god no

I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.

I hate when I’m in a room with 3 other people, & I have to shove the entire kit kat in my mouth.

chiropractor: so how’s your back been?

backstreet: alright

If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.

My family doctor says “you really need to lose weight,” and my witch doctor says “moh ki kaa raa.” I think I’ll just moh ki kaa raa tbh.

So help me if I only taste dos leches in my tres leches cake

“911 what’s your emergency?”
“Yeah, I’ve got so many questions about bees.”
*sighs*
“Please hold for the president.”

*Goes to Vegas casino

*Steps out of limo

Casino manager: Sir, are you a high roller?

Me: I am, now point me to your finest claw machine.

6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?

Me: I did not know that.

6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.

i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening

Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”

Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”

David Attenborough: The faster antelope species always keep their slower cousins, the cantaloupe, nearby to throw under the feet of predators to trip them thus creating a hilarious pile up on the savannah.

I hate it when people find out what food you hate and then swear you’ve never had it when it’s ripe or prepared properly.

“You’re right! I’ve been eating it off the floor. That’s the problem. Teach me how to live.”

(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace

I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.

To whoever stole my thesaurus, you made my day bad. I hope bad things happen to you. You’re a bad person.

If Rocky 4 couldn’t improve Russia and US relations then nothing will

I think it’s obvious that Goo Goo Dolls and Lady Gaga should do a side project together and call it Goo Goo Gaga.

GF: “You’re cute when you’re drunk”
Me: “You’re cute when I’m drunk too”

ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise

Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.

person i just met reaches out for hand shake

me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people

[outside a blazing house]

Firefighter: …
Me: …
Firefighter: …
Me: … There was a spider.

batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them

alfred: right

batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown

three suited men in my coffeeshop. one of them just said, “my personal idea of progress is moving things forward,” which is actually just the definition. everyone’s nodding. guys like this are in charge of every industry and it’s clearly why trains explode

Remember, you can become haunted by a ghost whenever you want. You’re an adult.