Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It takes a lot of courage for a man to admit his wife is wrong…

Plans < cancelled plan < no plans < no plans, but knowing people totally want to hang out with you

My license has hair and eye color listed as “BRO” and I’m like… 😎 I know right.

‘THINGS WE DIDN’T DO:
•Start the fire
•Shoot the deputy

THINGS WE DID DO:
•Built this city
•Shot the sheriff

THINGS WE WANT TO DO:
•Break free
•Hold your hand

THINGS WE WILL DO:
•Rock you
•Survive
•Anything for love

THINGS WE WON’T DO:
•That’

If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs

They are making gluten free communion wafers now. I guess you eat them because they represent the beach-body of Christ.

They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million

How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?

if you’re ever waiting on a venmo from me, it’s not because i don’t have the money it’s because i can’t think of something funny to write as the caption

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care

Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…

forgot to decorate for halloween so just gave my 7yo a pomegranate to eat and voilà! murder scene

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror and wonder, “Do my children just spit directly at their face when brushing their teeth?”

Imagine being a frog and someone kisses you and you turn into a prince so then you have to marry that person even though you straight up know she kisses frogs.

Trainer: Did you know that you burn approx 80 calories per hour while sleeping?

Me: Really? [curls up on weight bench] Wake me up in 2025.

When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

Honestly why do I bother attempting this shit

PSA: if it’s warmer than 71 degrees outside and we go to a restaurant, NO. we do not want a table outside. i will literally unfriend you in real life.

ㅤ

Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it

petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.

Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down

My 6-year-old: What’s the difference between a barracuda & a shark?

Me: When a barracuda is near, you’ll hear a guitar riff. When it’s a shark, you’ll hear a tuba.

Benefits of not being conventionally attractive:

-Less pressure
– you know people are being genuine when they laugh at your jokes
– can summon crows to do your bidding without fanfare unlike hot villains like Maleficent

Thinking about having bacon and bacon for dinner.

Every episode of Kitchen Nightmares Gordon Ramsay is like “have a clean restaurant and serve fresh food” and the owners are like “oh shit we never thought of that”

When your girlfriend comes home in a white suit, covered in bee stings and smelling like honey.

You know she’s a keeper.

If you stick pop tarts in your pocket before your morning commute, you’ll have a warm breakfast when you get to work.

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