Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born

Friend: Dude, you just ran a stop sign.

Me: No cop, no stop.

Friend: Why’d you just run over that frog?

Me: No cop, no hop!

Friend: Oh my god! YOU JUST HIT A JANITOR!

Me: NO COP, NO MOP!

dads on road-trips be like

Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide

People: lol nah

Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL

You make me want to be a better home and garden.

I told my boyfriend I had a dream we broke up and I started dating a guy named Arthur and now he won’t stop calling himself “Daytime Arthur”

Him: What’s this? *slowly unwrapping my gift* A blanket?

Me: It’s a sweater that fits two people so we can always be toge-

Him: *running away*

Me: HEY WHERE ARE YOU GOING?!

Me: can we stop by my house so I can grab my pillow & my phone charger? It’s like 10 minutes from here
Arresting officer: no

I wish this was real life…

The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”

When I take a walk, I bring dog treats and people treats. I almost never mix them up.

I put two pairs of cargo pants in my cargo pants pockets, just in case I need more cargo pants.

“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook

*In church

9: [Whispers] Why do we have to keep sitting & standing and sitting & standing…

Me: [Whispers] So we don’t fall asleep

9: oh

College graduates look awfully happy for people who’ll never have an entire summer off again.

Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?

I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.

Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’

Don’t tell me I don’t know about sacrifice. I mix the ends of cereals into one bowl so my family can open new boxes. Without my appetite for disgusting mixtures, they’d fall apart.

God: I’m calling this a horse

Angel: Wow you’re so clever, creating an animal that can pull carriages, transport goods, and can help plow the fields!

God *just wanted a chair that can run* thanks

Mystery bruises are god’s little way of saying, “Perhaps you should drink less, whore.”

The other day I opened the center console in my wife’s vehicle and chap sticks sprang out of there like snakes in a can.

I bumped into a cute guy today.

I clawed his face off.

I should work on my people skills.

KENNEDY: lets keep our affair a secret
MARILYN MONROE: ok i’ll sing happy birthday all sexy & weird at ur bday
K: pls dont
MM: *winking* ok

The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.

Wow! It’s hard to believe summer is just around the corner and that seasons have corners.

CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh

I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️