Wife: I’m glad you’re watching TLC and looking to improve yourself. So who are your new friends?
Husband: These would be your Sister Wives
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I have to go stand in line at Gamestop now because I had a careless night of unprotected sex 13 years ago and Halo 5 is out today.
I turned on my computer and it went “Word” and I was like “Yo”.
He danced with wolves. I’m running with beehives.
captain: hand in your gun
me: *staring down barrel* the most I can fit is a finger
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
3 Changes I’d Make to Improve Google Search
1. Nobody uses the “I’m Feeling Lucky” button so replace it with a second “Google Search” button
2. Remove the now redundant first “Google Search” button
3. Add a fun new button beside the Google Search button named “I’m Feeling Lucky”
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Guys, stop comparing Trump to Hitler. He thinks it’s a compliment. Call him a middle-aged woman or a peaceful Muslim.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
Yes I am the only parent at this basketball camp who snickered when the coach said during a drill ‘you need to pound it between each leg split.’
Divorce Attorney: I can’t just write “irreconcilable differences” on the papers, can you be more specific?
Wife: Well latel-
Guy Who Brews His Own Beer: This situation reminds me of an excellent stout I mad-
Attorney: Ok, got it
putting a “Wellness Room” sign above the main exit at work.
Laughter is the best medicine……..unless you have Morphine. Then Morphine is the best medicine.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
If someone sees you accidentally bite into plastic fruit, commit. don’t show weakness. eat all of it
“Baby got Baaaa” -Sheep mix a lot
*goes to grocery store*
*puts picture of my missing keys on all the milk cartons*
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
If someone ever asks you to show up naked underneath a trench coat at their hotel…make sure you get the room number right.
Am I annoying yet? How about now? Now? Now? Now? How about now? Now? Now? Now? Maybe now? Now? Now? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow? Meow?
Haha I chopped a jalapeño without wearing gloves and then rubbed my eye pls kill me.
Creepy-crawlies
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.