Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

kidnapper: we’re not going back for medication
me: ok cool I’ll just tell my cholesterol that

“Turn chicken shit into chicken salad” is a terrible saying. I still don’t wanna eat that chicken salad. It used to be chicken shit

“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”

How bout some chairs?

“That idea sucks”

A little pond to throw money in?

“Oh hell yeah”

son: daddy, do you believe in the Boogie Man?

me: I used to, but not anymore

[from under the bed]: I forgot to pick you up from the airport ONE TIME!

MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.

Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.

You can’t stop 80s kids. We were able to walk on sunshine, dance on the ceiling, shock the monkey, walk like an Egyptian, cut footloose, live on a prayer, burn down the house, whip it, rock the kasbah and still had time to wang chung tonight.

next time i’m opening up to someone is my autopsy

Let’s get married and have kids so instead of relaxing during weeknights we can go to seven practices and relearn algebra.

I know that I’m tall and pale and round, but there’s no need to call for the Ghostbusters and scream that Stay Puft is attacking the city again

Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.

Idiots are fun, no wonder every village wants one.

In 1991 my Dad bought a whole frozen doner kebab meat cylinder off a bloke in the pub, which almost ended my parent’s marriage x

DATE: Let’s go to your place.
ME: We’ll take my car *pulls out Hot Wheels car*
DATE: …
ME: Just kidding.
DATE: Oh, thank God.
ME: I don’t have a place. I’m homeless.

Call me ignorant, but I have no idea what you’re talking about.

– “That’s exactly what ignorant means.”

I don’t get it.

Merlin: What now?

Lawyer: I’d advise you to turn yourself in to the police

Officer Merlin: Ok, and now?

Wondering when these skinny jeans are gonna kick in.

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?

“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”

(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush

Asked my wife if I was going to get a “tip” for driving her around today.

She laughed and laughed.

Apparently so hard, she got a headache.

I want a boyfriend but I also want the pizza all to myself so you see my dilemma

ME: My wife thinks I’m nuts

SQUIRREL THERAPIST: *excitedly* go on

guy skipping rocks: do you wanna try?

guy who lives in a glass house: ummm idk if i should

According to scientists, money can reportedly carry more germs than a household toilet and yet when I do some money laundering, the cops arrest me.

Is it because I’m brown??

I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.

Randomly covering one eye for long periods of time so people think I’m part of that cult

My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house

I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……

her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!