Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more

Zoology should be spelled zooology but science isnt ready for that conversation yet

I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.

Me to my daughters:
Someday this will all be yours.

*motions to bed covered with clothes, 43 pairs of shoes on the floor and 12 stray cats*

Odds I accidentally turn off a room’s lights when controlling house lights from my phone:

Any room my wife is not in – 1%

Any room my wife is in – 92%

My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.

I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.

If you’re renting, and your landlord has a no pets policy, you can keep bats as long as you pretend to be mad about it.

I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.

Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?

Captain America: Um sure.

Spiderman: What should I do?

Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.

A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.

“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”

-me as a babysitter

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

“Aimee, could you please mute your phone?”

(me on a conference call making roaring noises while I play with my plastic pterodactyl)

(watching the shower scene in Psycho) I’d kill for that water pressure

What idiot called it ‘telling the future through tea-leaves’ and not ‘brews foresight’?

Car salesman: It’ll comfortably fit 5 people

Clown: How many uncomfortably?

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

“I love potatoes in my mouth!!”
Ok, yes kid, we all do but you gotta be way more chill about it

The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…

I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.

My 3-year-old was supposed to dress up as a star for the Christmas pageant.

She threw a fit and demanded a different costume.

Now there are three wise men and one Power Ranger.

I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.

I rate it one star..

Highway cops are so childish. Oh you’re hiding behind a bush in your Ford Escape? Gonna pop out and chase me? Grow up

A terrible baby shower game idea is called, “Have a man come in and guess which woman at the shower is pregnant.”

just great. my first shift as a secret service agent and i overslept :/ hopefully nothing bad happened

waiter: can i show you to the table

me: sure

waiter: here he is

table: [unimpressed noises]

The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower

What do people in non-baseball countries call second base?

A group of us were talking about running a 5k; some are planning to power walk it, a few are going to jog at a slow pace and I thought I’m going to just skip the whole thing.