Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.

You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.

Give a man a baby, and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to baby, and i think this saying only works for fish actually.

*Vacuums for three minutes*

“Oh God I can’t keep up with this house”

Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery

Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now

4: remember when mommy didn’t have her strap on?

Husband: she didn’t have her WHAT?!

4: her strap on!

Husband: I didn’t even know mommy had a-

Me, from another room: SHE MEANS WHEN I WORE THE STRAPLESS DRESS AT OUR WEDDING

I’m a strong independent woman, but like, against my will.

I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.

Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.

” I need you ”

– Me in the toilet roll aisle

Everything is arbitrary to kids so you can invent any rule you want, just present it as a normal rule. We wear a seatbelt in the car. We wear a helmet on our bike. We wear a disguise to the bank

I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.

BABY FROZEN STEAK: mommy is he coming back
MOM STEAK: no honey—get some sleep
[rocky walks into the freezer]
ROCKY: time to punch some meats

Me: I’m going to start eating healthier!

*buys exactly the same groceries + 1 carrot*

Me: Nailed it.

I sexually identify as muddled blueberries.

[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]

*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?

Wife: Please go wait in the car

We are watching “It” from last year and not for nothin’ but Pennywise is mostly very bad at his job.

need a SPY 2 where Melissa McCarthy and Jason Statham go undercover as Olympics breakdancers from a made-up country

3: mom I did a jump
Me: it was great
3: mom I did a jump
M: you did
3: mom I did a
M: jump yes
3: mom I did a
M: [jumps out window] me too

It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.

Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow

My 4yo asked me where people go when they die.
I told her: “I don’t know, but it wouldn’t hurt to check under your bed last thing at night.”

my coworker threw a paper airplane at me and i was like “on today of all days 😟?” and she looked at me like this

*crawls out of your television and tries to kill you* I’m not like other girls.

Waiting for my pumpkin muffin with maple streusel to be delivered

You know what they say about a guy with big hands?

He can carry more cheeseburgers.

By age 35 you should have at least two thirds of your hard drive space taken up by recursively nested copies of the hard drives from all your previous computers

I’m not criticizing you. I just think you look awful. -My mom