Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
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My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.
and to my great grandchildren i leave 42,567 screenshots
*Opens Google*
What date does Cinco de Mayo fall on this year?
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
Interviewer: So why do you want this job?
Me: I don’t. I just need money.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
she think she can manipulate me wit them crystals, girl u is not Thanos
Critic: I don’t like your work
Me: buddy, *I* don’t like my work
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
Why can’t Stephen Hawking dance? Because he’s white.
You couldn’t make Blazing saddles today. it took way more than a day to make that movie.. and it’s like 10:00 right now.
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.
Him: I love nerd girls
Me: Did you know that having red beard hair happens if you only have 1 mutated MC1R gene?
Him: no. not like that.
I HAVE FINALLY MET MY DREAM MAN
Me: I am a man of substance.
Motion-activated faucet: No.
If you send me a voice note exceeding 20 seconds, I will consider it a podcast and not listen to it.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
[Security breach at Wayne manor]
BRUCE: *brooding darkly*
ALFRED: The back door is literally just a waterfall
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
Whenever someone calls me, instead of texting, I just assume they’ve had a horrific accident and have lost the use of their fingers & thumbs
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Just spoke to my wife whiIe twitter was down. She seems nice. She’s a nurse apparently
[sees friend at the store]
“Hi”
Hey
“Where’s your better half?”
The PS4’s at home
“No I mean-”
Where WOULD it be? Wow, dumb question.