Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: If I can stick to schedule I can get everything done just in time

Toddler: I WANNA HELP!

I don’t think this bowl of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups on my desk is making me as indispensable to the workplace as I had hoped.

Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good

MOM: Story time

ME: Yay!

MOM: it’s called
“The Little Engine that Could, but doesn’t cuz he’s a little shit that won’t move out”

ME: mom?

I have a friend who writes music about sewing machines. He’s a singer songwriter.
Or sew it seams.

Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago

I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.

What? I’m sure that’s traditional.

Don’t send me back to bed if you don’t want me sneaking out again.

~My 8 year old, trying out a new tactic

Donkey I Shreked the Kids

*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*

[At a 5 star restaurant]
*gestures at entire menu*
Are any of these words fancy speak for chicken fingers and fries?

Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.

If self driving cars are the thing of the future could you imagine how that’s going to change the repossession game? Imagine missing a payment and your Subaru just starts backing itself down the driveway.

[Turning a carved Halloween pumpkin around so it’s now a Thanksgiving pumpkin] “haha suck it, Martha Stewart”

[romantic dinner]
her: “I was hoping it might just be the two of us.”
ventriloquist dummy: “he said I help with his confidence.”

Wife: Don’t you think the yard needs to be mowed?
(from my recliner I check google maps satellite view of our house)
Me: It looks fine to me

Me: you’re mad at me about what happened earlier aren’t you?
Arresting officer: little bit

If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.

i knew my ex was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching

no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Teacher: Why are you late?

Boy: My fish died.

Teacher: What fish?

Boy: You don’t know him he goes to different school.

So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯

My kids left a toy broom, dust pan, and mop on the floor.

I’m impressed.

They managed to make a real mess while pretending to clean up a fake one.

“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”

*shakes tambourine*

“Got any others?”

*shakes tambourine*

“Sounds a lot like the last one”

*talking to a cool girl at a house party while pretending my right foot is not currently stuck in the dog’s water bowl*

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

promising I won’t get too involved in my son’s little league game but it’s the second inning and I just told the umpire to lawyer up

“The Shining isn’t a Christmas movie” shut up there’s literally snow in it