Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: hello I would like to take care of my bones

Health Insurance: Sure thing! How about an x-ray? Would you like a cast?

Me: no, the bones in my mouth

Health Insurance: OH HO HO no, not your TEETH bones

7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away

I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.

Trump is the perfect candidate for American guys who secretly believe they could come out of the stands and score a touchdown

“Try to score a goal. Don’t use your hands. See you afterwards.” – Soccer coaches

From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills

Judge: I need you to digitize all of my case resolutions and then make backups, on a remote server.
Law clerk: You want me to cloud your judgements?
J: You’re in contempt.

To see if my husband uses his shopping list, I used book titles instead food items. So we are either having Grapes or Wrath or bagel bites for dinner.

I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.

The most unrealistic part of cooking shows is when they have enough room in their fridge to fit an entire baking sheet.

About to go for a run, because shoplifting

After 3 disastrous surgeries I said that’s it no more pretending to be a doctor.

*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”

My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”

HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again

Age is just a number….that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”

Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.

I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️

I borrowed $20 from my 11-year-old and she mentioned something about interest. What the hell are they teaching kids in school these days?

My computer has stopped communicating with my printer and I’m going to ask the printer to admit whatever she did and apologize so we can all move forward as a team.

Biggest fears:
4. Dancing in public
3. Spiders
2. Forgetting names
1. Dancing in public with spiders who’s names I forget

right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf

EMPEROR PENGUIN: [addressing huddled penguins] The hairless ape’s fires melt our icy kingdom…no more
*raises sword*
FLIGHTLESS NOT FIGHTLESS

My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.

I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.

We’re all born naked and the rest is crab. #DragRace

looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:

[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]

[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]

Why ‘airport KFC’ and not ‘Kentucky Fried Check-In’?