Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
Be the reason someone burns sage.
Dr: What seems to be the problem?
Me: It’s my hearing, Doctor.
Dr: Can you describe the symptoms?
Me: Mmm, well, there’s Homer, Bart….
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
*slips the IHOb waitress a twenty* Bring me pancakes and make it look like an accident.
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
[told I’m needed to fulfill an ancient prophecy] what’s the latest possible deadline
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
Before arbys gets sucked into the sun with the rest of the earth and everything you’ve ever known or loved, please come eat some of our crap
😜
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
asked where the oysters were from and the waitress said “the sea”. never change, atlanta
My Aunt Mabel was fond of saying that something was “uglier than homemade sin” but when asked what store bought sin might have looked like, she’d just get pissed.
JUDGE: I’m going to hold you in contempt
ME [leaning in for a cuddle]: I don’t care how you do it
today a customer had to wait for blonde roast and he’d had to wait yesterday too and i was like “so sorry this is happening again” and he turned his phone to me and i was like oh no he’s on the phone with head office but he was showing me a video of a rat taking a shower
#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
I have Facebook like reflexes.
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
*throws a book and hits you right in the face*
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Who needs expensive lip plumpers when your toddler can hit you in the face with a toy train for free?
Me: I only want two strips of bacon.
Buffet bacon: Have this clump of 87 pieces of bacon.
[Whole Foods]
ME: Hi
CLERK: Hello
ME: Do you…uh
CLERK: Do we what?
ME: Do you have any…uh
CLERK: Go on
ME: Do you have any Half Foods?
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”