Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.

Him: I hope I die first.

Her: Aww you can’t live without me?

Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.

I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.

Me: Do you have a Summer menu?

Waiter: We have a menu at all times of the year. Otherwise people couldn’t select food and beverage options.

Me:

vader: i am your father!

luke: so you’re the deadbeat who left us for cigarettes

vader: search your feelin- wait, what? cigarettes?

luke: don’t deny it. now you wear that dumb mask and talk like a robot because you smoked so much

vader: i swear, i nev-

luke: you make me sick

“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”

When I die, I’m going out the same way I came in. By accident. 

Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else

Me: I love all the letters equally

OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.

Our youngest son graduated with a bachelor’s degree in English. We bought him a car because we’re proud of him. And because he’ll probably have to live in it.

I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.

Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.

husband: *worrying*

me: I don’t think you should worry about that

husband: well what should I worry about instead then

Whoever came up with the name “dentures” really missed the opportunity to call them “substitooths”😂😂

13: *staring glumly at garden* Why so much spinach?

I farted in the Apple Store on Black Friday and everyone got angry at me…
It’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

*I’ll show myself out*

I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.

Me, waiting for my husband to realize that I was right.

{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.

My 1 year old kept saying “I lug ya” and I was so excited until I realized he was trying to say “alexa” not “I love you”

Nighttime is not for sleeping. It is for eating all the chocolate chips out of trail mix while thinking of every possible outcome for a situation you can’t control.

WIFE: The fire department is at the front door again

ME: *hiding my mixtape* Do they look mad?

Birthday at 21: Takes 12 different shots from 12 different bars.

Birthday at 37: Takes two different pain relievers because I literally hurt myself sleeping.

Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.

Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter

Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.

“I wanna know who is responsible for this!”

-Me to my parents, while pointing at myself.

The best essential oil is melted butter hands down.