Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
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When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
My cat just sniffed my right eye & licked his lips. When I die alone in my house, he’ll probably eat that eyeball first.
4AM: *wake up, need to pee* I’m sure if I lay here and ignore it, it’ll go away
5AM: *gives in and gets up to pee so can finally go back to sleep*
5:10AM: *alarm goes off*
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
I’m not allowed at the gym anymore because I dropped my chili dog on the treadmill
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
[marriage counseling]
Ginny- He always hides from our problems.
Therapist- Is this true?
Harry- *puts on invisibility cloak* No.
boss: my secretary said you needed to see me urgently.
me confident I’ll get the raise I want because I found out his gamer tag: that’s right punished_gordon.
Cyber Monday is probably my favorite holiday to get paid to do my Christmas shopping at work.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
the problem with the classic robber getup is that it’s such a classic that you can’t really get away with it anymore. you walk into a bank dressed in the mask and stripes with a bag with a dollar sign on it, they already got you. things change i guess but it seems a shame
Would you PLEASE stop being so damn THIRSTY??
My car:
Who called it oatmeal-raisin instead of a misfortune cookie?
Nepobaby? Why, yes, I am, my father was Prom and Homecoming King in a town of 300, I can still get a discount at the local Ace Hardware if Steve is working.
[therapy]
DOC: A fear of clowns is not that uncommon
ME: No, a fear of clones
DOC: Oh…that seems irrational
OTHER ME: That’s what I said
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
*being murdered*
Me: “Ahh my student loans will finally be paid off😍”
Gov: 🤔stabbing ceases
Ron on Facebook says he hopes to be stuck on a dessert island, so naturally I commented “that sounds delicious”.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
forgive me baja for i have blast
If I ever post that I’ve hit the gym, it’s only because I lost control of my car.
My kids don’t enjoy cleaning so much as they enjoy spraying cleaning supplies everywhere
[Jumps into taxi]
“FOLLOW…”
[taxi driver turns around excitedly]
“…ME ON TWITTER”
[Jumps out & moonwalks into Olive garden]
coworker: look at my baby
me: wats his name
coworker: jeremy
me: how do u kno
coworker: we named him jeremy
me: wat if he already had a name
Before we announce the winner of the Best Bomb Defuser award let’s pause for a moment to remember the runner-ups
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.