Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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Gravestone inscription “Hey guys, I’m going to be taking a little break from social media”
Bummed cuz parents wont send their kids to my resort that teaches how to pay attention.
I thought “Concentration Camp” would be a gold mine.
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Earth: “You’re causing tidal waves!”
Moon: “So?”
Earth: “I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation!”
Moon: “Very funny.”
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
“See, you’ve clearly never had good mashed potatoes. You’ve got to add butter, salt, garlic, $300 of bitcoin, gravy, a crab leg dipped in butter sauce, chives, tickets to a Rams game, and a light sprinkling of parmesan and then you’ll understand how amazing they are.”
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
If you need me, I’ll be right here for the next 35 years while my 4yo picks out a bedtime story to read
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
*wife wonders where I am in the store*
*hears glass shatter*
*knows where I am*
Fight
Everybody is fighting a battle that you don’t know about…because of the first rule of Fight Club.
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[a real exchange I had with my wife who was working in the garden]
Me, poking my head around the corner of the house: I’m going to the bank, need anything while I’m out?
Wife: what?
Me, louder: I’m going to the bank
Wife: what?
Me: I’M LEAVING YOU
Wife: ok
My wife recently got into a minor car accident with my kids in the car. When I arrived at the scene to check on them, the policeman was super nice and gave my crying kids free ice cream coupons.
He then gave me an attitude when I asked for a coupon too.
Discuss
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
You don’t want to be on any project or mission with a checklist that includes “backup underwear”.
The guy next to me at the airport bar, after an hour of silence, suddenly pushed back his chair, locked eyes, and said, “It’s been a goddamn pleasure making your acquaintance,” and walked out. An A+ interaction.
If you love someone, let them tweet.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
Day 15 of unemployment, still no job listings for dog petters
Pro tip: Spice up your next blood ritual by writing all the chants in iambic pentagrameter.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Still a very good boi….
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses