Wife: I’m going to wine down
Me: You mean wind down
Wife: No
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My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
Walking around naked is a great motivator to get back to the gym
[Job Interview]
How would you describe your time management skills?
Me: Can we talk about this later? I’m late for an appointment.
ok like just. call me at this point
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
Googles “what happens if you accidentally eat raw cookie dough”
[5 minutes later]
“twice”
If a peanut butter cookie between two chocolate chip cookies is considered a sandwich, then I may have had a sandwich or two for lunch.
My husband used the word “analyze” during sex so I’m going to throw myself into on coming traffic now.
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
me (watching Predator when the Predator comes on screen): he’s not allowed near schools
I woke from a nap once and jumped in shock and freaked out the cat who ran off and was going crazy making weird noises trying to get away and was all confused… ok backstory… I don’t own a cat
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[at haunted house, as the walls bleed and screams echo through the hallways]
oh cool. our cycles are synced.
Asked my wife to pick up something from Home Depot and she’s texted me 47 questions and sent 300 pictures of the wrong item captioned “this?” so now I understand why she doesn’t let me go grocery shopping by myself.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Some people say the key to a successful marriage is communication, but it’s actually keeping your mouth shut when they send you anything from the Internet that you already saw two weeks ago.
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
Don’t leave me alone.
Alone: I have a boyfriend.
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
One minute you’re young and carefree and the next you’re stuck on a park fence you thought you could still jump over 😬🤭
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Got really drunk and had unprotected sex with the cashier at 7-11 last night. Hope I don’t catch slurpees.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
[During Sex]
“Hurry up, this isn’t really my house.”