Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip

[At Adele Concert]

Adele: Hello from the other siiiiiide

Me (shouting): Tell us your surname

Optimist: The cup is half full.

Pessimist: The cup is half empty.

Taxidermist: The cup was empty, but I stuffed it full again.

Bigamist: I think this is Rachel’s cup. Or Amy’s. Maybe Susan’s?

Alarmist: Someone drank out of my cup! Watch out for thirsty burglars, people!

My shoes have cute flowers on them so of course I’m looking at those instead of watching where I’m going

My mouth says: Yes, yes! Keep eating that candy!

My pants say: For the love of god, I cannot hold on much longer!

Remember, your neighbours aren’t going to be attacked by killer bees on their own. You have to want it. You need to make it happen.

Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.

My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something

I’m “My dog gets in the pool more than anyone else in the family” years old.

I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.

Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.

Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it

me: so what, you’re gonna be angry at me for the rest of your life
wife: no, the rest of yours

My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂

Weirdly Wednesday.

I’ll bet my mom’s up in heaven right now, smiling, thinking, “Wow, it was really nice of them to let me out of hell for the day.”

I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.

Them: You’re a dumpster fire.

Me: Awww, you think I’m hot?

My almond-milk shake brings all the vegans to the yard, and they’re like …. “where’s your compost?”

interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway

At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.

I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.

Prepare to receive the horse that you deserve

Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not getting McDonald’s.
Child: Why not?
Me: We have food here.
Child: I don’t like the food here.
Me: Grilled cheese?
Child: no
Me: Hot dogs?
Child: no
Me: Chic-

[20 minutes later]

Me [at drive-thru]: TWO BIG MACS AND

Some questgivers in Cyberpunk 2077 give you ominous warnings like “DON’T keep me waiting” and it bothers me so much.
If you really want someone shot, something stolen or someplace exploded, you can wait for me to find a pair of jean shorts to complete my outfit.

Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.

Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”

Me: “Get away from it.”

great now I have to die before I can get a hot dog

I see your account went private, good luck on the job hunt

“I’m so stoked!”

-An excited fireplace

Every McDonald’s should have a flag they fly at half mast when the ice cream machine is down.