Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.

My coworkers have such cute nicknames for me, like “The one who eats all the donuts” and “Don’t tell her there’s pizza in the kitchen”.

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune

Picking up women at the bar and then gently setting them down

“Hey can you take our picture?”
ME: yea sure
*takes picture*
ME: wait sorry, The Flash was turned on
THE FLASH: *blushing in the background*

[driving with wife and son]
me: aw he’s falling asleep so cute
wife: wake him up before he drives off the road

my neighbors have set up a little “bear hunt” game by putting teddy bears in their windows. I’ve shot five so far

*in hell*

Devil: so what are you here for

Them: I invented ice breaker activities

the simulation is moving too fast

Me: hey what’s this weird lump?
WebMD: could be cancer.
Me: it’s a raisin stuck to my elbow…
WebMD: you have two weeks.

It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.

Just go around me, man.

Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

scientist: what do u know about atoms

me: very little

I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.

I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.

Me: Who had two thumbs and just had a bandsaw accident? This guy

Doctor: Which Guy?

* Puts leftover pizza in the work fridge at 7am

My brain at 7:04:
eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza eat the pizza

DAD: Sorry it’s not a pony, honey. Best I could do
LITTLE GIRL: [riding gigantic earthworm] This is Princess Doomtube. She shall be feared

My bologna has a first name.
-Oscar Meyer

All of my food has a first name.
– Jeffrey Dahmer

“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you

Why are the moths in this damn desert bigger than birds

Europe. Made in Germany.

nothing draws me into a true-crime show more than finding out it’s set in my town

“Omg, I know where that is!!”

“I’m requesting the book for you now. Which library location would you like to pick it up from?”
“I’m really busy this week — could you bring it to my house?”
“I’m sorry, we don’t have the capacity to do that.”
“I understand, that makes sense. How about my neighbor’s house?”

what’s even the ecological purpose of mosquitoes? to feed the birds ?? can’t we all just chip in like $5 each and buy a bunch of birdseeds from costco and cancel the mosquitoes ???

50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.

[Home Depot]

Me: I’ll take your finest home

*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*

“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.