Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Had to quit my Uber Eats job, turns out they keep track of how many orders you report “flew out the window,” and “all of them” is too many.

Opening a Christian gym called ‘Jehovah’s Fitness’

Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.

Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.

The symmetry is uncanny.

6YO: Mom, I accidentally hit my sister in the head with my light saber

Me: Why are you —

8YO: MOM!! He hit me in the head with the light saber!!

6YO: I already told her, it’s over

*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster

wife: “what on earth are you doing?”
me: “making a penguin”
wife: “that’s a pigeon”
me: [opening freezer door] “not for long”

Backstreet Boys: Show Me the Meaning of Being Lonely.

Me: *slow dances with cats around a pot of mac & cheese*

13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma

Remember to practice self-care: Take a walk, meditate, try yoga, paint a picture, murder someone, burn a body, clean a crime scene…

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The Chosen Phew

Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins

Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-

Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed

Me: … that long

At the 2015 Edinburgh Fringe a man came up to me after my show one day to say “I really don’t think much of your comedy, please stick to singing” and I’ve basically continued in comedy ever since just to annoy him.

I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.

God has abandoned us.

He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.

Ground control: He says he loves you very much

Mrs Major Tom: What’s he done this time?

Updating my dating profile….

My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh

Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.

Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.

Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.

If I don’t get an A for my daughter’s school project, I’m gonna be pissed.

me: will I ever have sex again?

doctor: not with that haircut

*on the phone*

Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.

Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.

M: How long will it be?

H: Uhh, a foot?

M: …

My husband said he bought the toupée for me, but then got upset when I put it on. I dont get men.

At what age do you tell your child Alexa isn’t real?

Halloween costumes

Age 10: monster

Age 25: sexy fireman

Age 35: sexy mobilization to end systematic oppression of underrepresented groups

my family doesn’t like that i’m in a permanent bad mood after they made it a priority group project to put me in a permanent bad mood

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

My mom always said I would be great at something…..who knew it would be at bad decisions