wife: I’m having a baby.
me: *handing menu back to waiter* I’ll have a baby as well.
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{Father & son fishing}
DAD: Son, I don’t say this nearly enough…
SON: *smiles* Yeah?
DAD: …I used to practice kissing on your Aunt Kim.
one time i matched with a girl on a dating app and her bio said “the first date better be outdoors” so i asked if she wanted to go for a hike and she was like “i meant more like, patio drinks”
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Her: My computer is running so slow!
Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?
Her:
Me: Is it less than 500?
Her: Never mind.
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
kermit the frog is more iconic than mickey mouse bc if u heard someone was named mickey u’d just be like ok sure . but if someone said their name was kermit u would be like huh ????? like the frog ?????????
I wanna write a tweet that is so good that I can retire and just live off the retweets for the rest of my life.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
I should’ve peed first
– my headstone
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
My kids found their Kit Kats and then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go into my closet?
*praying for world peace*
God:
Clients after you give them your rates
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Day 2 of my writing tips. As the greatest writer of my generation, I love helping young up-and-coming writers how to succeed in the biz. Today’s lesson is all about how to write a great murder mystery 👍
