Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I dreamt I was drowning in the ocean, and woke up spitting on my pillow.
So yeah, you can say I get pretty wet n wild in bed.

Did you hear what happened when the local theater stopped paying the heat bill?

Coldplay.

“I MUST tell you,” said a lady with breathless excitement, stopping us suddenly as we walked down Bermondsey Street last night, “I MUST tell you that you are wearing the same clothes as that building.” and skipped off

When people say they are fairly certain, I immediately picture a county fair, and imagine clowns were involved in their decision making process.

Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.

This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.

I don’t need to be rich, it would just be nice to live in a neighborhood where I could be confident that that noise was definitely fireworks

I know it’s rude to ask someone about their pregnancy if you’re unsure, but my hubby looks about 4 months along & the suspense is killing me

I’m a giver.

*gives you a hard time*

The worst thing about having poison ivy on my face is that I can’t shave.

The second worst thing is people asking me what kind of craft beer I make.

*kissing on small couch*
Her: We should have a threes-
Me: I’ll call Karen
Her: …three-seater. Karen?
Me: I believe Karen sells furniture

Wife: I told you not to buy the kids a trampoline.

Me: I didn’t

[bounce]

Me: buy the kids

[bounce]

Me: a trampoline.

[bounce].

*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.

How to keep the seat next to you empty.

You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.

It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.

Ma’am, it’s moving.

I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!

Date: “I’m falling in love with you”
Me: *rearranges french fries in plate to read, “we should see other people”

I always cut my 6 pack rings so they don’t choke any dolphins. If I’m gonna choke a dolphin, it’ll be with my bare hands.

“You can have more degrees than a thermometer & still be dumb as shit.”

– Old Southern Proverb

Toddler: [Crying] Daddy, my chocolate ran away.
Me: Oh no, where did it go?
Toddler: [Points in his mouth]

I know it’s International Women’s Day but I’d like to give a shout out to all the national and local women as well.

Kids be like. “Nice bathroom mirror. It would be a shame if I spat toothpaste all over it”

I remember owning a mobile device as a kid, it was called my bike.

Me: You owe me $33.50

Canadian Friend: *hands me a single coin worth $33.50*

When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.

Swords just aren’t naturally “wooooshy” enough for me, that’s why I add the noise. That’s why I add the noise, Janet.

MOM SHE JUST KICKED ME AREN’T YOU GOING TO DO SOMETHING?

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am her mother

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY THAT FOR EVERY—

I recuse myself on the grounds that I am your mother

My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.

*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*

A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”