Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Assert dominance at IKEA by walking around wearing a tool belt with every size Allen wrench hanging from it and telling everyone you see to stand back

And then grandma said “my, what big hands you have”

me: how can I seem confident on my date?

friend: act like you own the place

[later]

her: thanks for picking me up

me: where’s the rent

If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.

My 10yr old just asked me to stop brushing her brain, when I put her hair up in a pony tail.

Two rotisserie chickens.

One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.

Officer, I swear there is a simple explanation..

~me standing in the street with no pants, one sock and a turkey baster in my hand

I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004

According to rom coms, I haven’t met the perfect guy because I’ve never chased an important paper down the block in a gust of wind.

THE SHINING (1980): An oblivious pair of incessant chatterboxes are finally taught to respect the sanctity of a writer’s space.

I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question

how to beat an egg:
– literally pick any game you want, they dont even have hands

When I recently asked a 9 year-old about his experience with the tooth fairy, he explained that there is no tooth fairy, and:

‘Your parents take the tooth out from under your pillow, and god knows what they do with it.’

My guy didn’t reply to his girl for two weeks and told me that “you gotta give them time to miss you” and now she got a new man

Irony is Westboro Baptist Church protesters writing “God Hates Fags” on rainbow colored signs.

They say 9 or 10 is a good age to tell your kid they were adopted, but only IF they were adopted.

This seems like a really, really bad idea.

*jumps in with both feet*

Painted a fake tunnel on a wall today. Not one coyote has run into it.

*security rushes to the department store fitting room to break up a fight but just finds me trying to squeeze into a pair of jeans.

*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance

“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”

My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

ME, TO MY BEER: Let’s get to the bottom of this.

I suspect that the deep state is using nanotechnology to make my underwear tighter and I don’t like it.

Survey: Are you a Democrat or a Republican?
Me: Labels are for soup cans
Survey: Can you tell us which way you’re leaning?
Me: Clam chowder

[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]

Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?

Ex (trying to make me jealous): I’m going to a party, everyone’s drinking, laughing, and having fun!

Me: that’ll all stop once you show up

I was standing in the train station waiting for a friend when some guy came up to me and gave me a dollar in case you need any fashion advice.