Wife: I’m heading to the store.
Me: Why?! The roads are super icy.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: Drive really carefully.
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[before kids]
“Man, I’m going to be such a chill parent”
[3 years in]
“IF YOU DON’T SWALLOW THAT MILK BY THE TIME I COUNT TO THREE…”
Yoda: “You must unlearn what you have learned.”
Me: “Got it.”
*shits pants*
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
I hate how websites force you to prove you’re not a robot by making you solve some puzzle only a robot could solve.
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
“Judy, if I don’t survive this vicious goose attack, always know that I loved you”
“my name is Denise”
[describing criminal to sketch artist] He had the damp chest of a man with an excessive lisp. He was eating a newspaper.
The writer is someone who decides school wasn’t enough homework and they actually need homework for the rest of their lives
Please come see my theatrical dramatization of the history of puns. It’s a play on words.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
The hardest part of my kid unexpectedly falling out of her chair unprovoked is waiting until her back is turned so I can laugh.
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
Im on a date I want to leave how do i leave without-nevermind I said that out loud he left
I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
me: [taking the last bite of a big meal] now I’m ready for a long nap
executioner: coming right up
Me: WHAT DO WE WANT?!
Funeral attendees:
Me (whispering): Grandma back.
My role in family now primarily consists of walking around the home shouting, “ONLY ONE PAPER TOWEL!” anytime anyone approaches the roll.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
Imagine burning sage and passing out because you’re the bad energy
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful.
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, she says her printer doesn’t work.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
I just danced in front of my cat and he yawned.
True story.