Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Can’t, holding a grudge

Star Trek was my favorite show as a kid because I liked to fantasize about getting beamed off this planet.

It’s my favorite show now for the same reason.

Oh, your pet loves you more than anyone else? No shit, if you controlled when I ate I’d be obsessed with you too.

Okay YouTube, if I’m gonna watch a 20-minute video and you want to show me a 15-second ad, fine, I’ll wait.

But if I’m going to watch a 2-minute video, that ad better be no more than a single frame of someone shouting “PIZZA HUT!”

I just want to be as happy as the couple described in the first five minutes of any Dateline episode.

Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.

Let’s move on now. if I had a pound for every time I heard a Brexit joke this week I’d nearly have a Euro.

I hate it when I get really drunk and start to say a bunch of things that I mean

[1st Date]
(Okay, don’t let her know you’re addicted to eating fruit)
Me: This is good
[2nd Date]
[3rd Date]
[4th Date]
[5th Date]
Her: Stop

I’m the guy that pushes on a pull door then leaves because I think the door is locked.

[Christmas]

ME: You know how you wanted that new keurig?

HER: YES!? {rips open present} IT’S IT’S- just a cup of coffee?

ME: {whispering in her ear} From a keuriiiiiig.

i think both sides are to blame here

If I tell you I’m running 10 minutes behind, that means 10 minutes later than normal. So, 20 minutes-ish.

Did you hear about how people in Athens don’t even wake up until noon?

They say dawn is pretty tough on Greece.

I text him the eggplant emoji along with “I would like this tonight” (because I’m planning dinner) and I have never seen a man so excited for vegetables.

When life hits you hard, smile back at it and say: You hit like a girl.

The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.

Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.

On the upside, my kids are helping with the dishes. On the downside, my kids are helping with the dishes.

me: it would be nice if everyone else helped clean this house once in awhile!

everyone else: [cleans]

me: not like that

20s: I want to see the world!

40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.

*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*

One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.

We also don’t have a second floor.

SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school

ME: What’s that?

SON: A big building with lots of kids

One of those compression vacuum storage systems but for the skeletons in my closet.

The DoorDasher placed our drinks against the door, essentially trapping us in our home.

I have 2020 vision. My eyesight is terrible but I can see precisely 3 years into the future

Cauliflower: *ring ring*

Textiflower: *ping*

Her: The laundry pods are missing!
Me: Oh really?
H: Did you eat them again?
M: Absolutely not *burps bubbles* why?
H: JUST CALL IT A HUNCH!

[Slaps string cheese out stranger’s hand]

Me: We are NOT animals. We do not bite the cheese without peeling.

5 year old: *cries*