Wife: I’m heading to work.
6-year-old: Goodbye. I hope nothing bad happens.
That’s not ominous at all.
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Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later
please don’t celebrate april fools’ day if you’re not a fool ❤️ my culture is not your costume
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
I want to surprise my boyfriend by sending him a sexy pic while he’s at work, but I can’t decide what outfit to put on the cat.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
You’re having a big wedding? Cool. I’m having a Big Mac
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
Spend a few hours without your phone and you’ll realise what the important thing in your life is.
It’s your phone.
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
Sounds about right! 💯
🌐
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they’re not.
Called in, “It’s not you. It’s me,” this morning.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
My favorite farside!!
“Does anyone else smell barbecue, or is it just me?”
– Joan of Arc
If Jesus was from Nazareth, why does he have a Mexican name?
Taught my kids to always let a strange dog smell their hand before petting them to see if it was friendly. Should have taught them to do the same with people.
If my cat keeps packing on the pounds, I’m going to rent him out as a weighted blanket.
My body is like my phone battery. Usually drained by 4pm.
Wonder why we didn’t get blimp sky view coverage of game.
FBI: oops wrong one
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
All my personalities waiting to see who gets to be in charge today
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.