Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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Just went through a month of transactions on my bank account because someone has been spending my money… and lo and behold – it was me
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
This white lady just whispered to her husband “there’s so many Asian people”… ma’m this is a flight to Japan
Kids today will never know the horror that would come from seeing a payphone start ringing suddenly in the middle of the night.
The stun gun you tried using on me didn’t work. Why am I not shocked?
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Cuz saying ‘pulled me under’ sounds weird??
Lube but for my dry humor.
Orcas seemed to have stopped attacking people and somehow that’s scarier. What are they planning?
Boss: I’m going on PTO
Me, in my head: I guess that means I’m on PTO too
Spoiler alert: The people who can’t believe your kid is in Kindergarten already won’t be able to believe they’re in any grade, any year ever
my mom said she fed the cutest black and white squirrel today. my sister checked the ring camera, it was a literal skunk
[Considering whether a recipe is easy enough to attempt]
Recipe: First, finely chop—
Me: I’m out.
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
If I see someone has deliberately parked their big expensive car so that no one can use the space next to them I will do everything I can to try and squeeze in to the spot. My record is 6 minutes of careful manoeuvring and having to exit through the boot.
Me: What are my choices again?
Pollster: Donald Trump…
Me: Or?
Pollster: Puppymonkeybaby.
Me: …
Pollster: Well?
Me: I’m thinking.
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
Ughhhh my neck is killing me ..
*how I slept
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
7yo: I lost my tooth! Now I’ll get $100 from the tooth fairy!
Me: Hey buddy, the tooth fairy needs to make sure all kids get money. Don’t be surprised if you get a dollar or something.
7yo: Then why did the tooth fairy give Ray $100 for her tooth??
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
no show does a misunderstanding/miscommunication plot better than modern family does 😭
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
If you want a nice quiet lunch, try a Shhhushi Bar.
Me: how are you feeling about all of this?
Husband: i dunno. i feel like the cold hand of death is upon me.
Me. *pulling back my dried, shriveled, over washed hands* oh, ya, ya. sounds like you’re a goner.
[throws milk at cows]
go be with your family
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
Life hack: If your FIL ever says, “Stop me if I’ve told you this,” take him up on it.