Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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The best part about your kids being sick is you get to see exactly how shitty you’re going to feel in 48 hours
*looks at the customer behind me in the checkout line*
“Wanna hold hands while we wait?”
My 7yo said she was a vegetarian & asked for a salad but then complained she wanted chicken on it but “NOT TOO MUCH chicken” because she’s a vegetarian but then she ate the chicken too fast so she’d “actually like more chicken” but “only on salads because I’M A VEGETARIAN.”
[parade]
Dad: son, when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten, and the damned? Will you defeat them your demons and all the non-believers?
Me, 6 years old: do I have to answer now or
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Americans are just Canadians that someone fed after midnight.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
Before gravity was invented you had to tie down your cows or your cows would just float away
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
Our 10 year old keeps asking me for his first mobile phone and every time he does I ask him ‘who you gonna call?’ and until he answers me correctly he sure as shit isn’t getting one
My Australian friend: We don’t have 4th of July here
Me: so you just go from the 3rd to the 5th? That’s weird
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
The instructions for this tent is just a picture of a husband yelling at his wife, that’s weird.
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
My husband said we should have a ‘date night’
I wonder why he didn’t like it when I introduced him to my date? Husbands, go figure.
Them: Question everything.
Me: Why?
All I’m saying is pulling a lion out of your hat is actually much more impressive than pulling a rabbit out of your hat.
I knew my gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
*accidentally points showerhead in wrong direction*
OH NO! MY SHOWER TRISCUITS!
When did white people become such fucking pussies?
100% sure whoever named the sea lion never saw a land lion
Working at McDonald’s at 16 taught me I didn’t want to work at McDonald’s at 17.
ANAESTHETIST: Count backwards from 100
ME: 100..99..98ME: ..3..2..1..um [looks round] now what?
ANAESTHETIST [muffled] You have to find me