Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.

dont think ive ever laughed as hard over a halloween costume

I can’t stop watching this video 😂😂😂

Only my kid could make “when we get home I’m going to craft something” sound like a threat

I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF

*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU

Do not worry.

I will take your secrets to my grave.

But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.

I have to find a way to get in on one of those government programs where they spend $1.7 billion dollars and wind up planting like 7 trees

Dracula’s wife: You’ve got a little smudge on your chin.

Dracula: Vhere? Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a little to the left.

Dracula: Here?

Dracula’s wife: No, a bit to the right. You know what? Just go look in the mi..

Dracula: LOOK INTO WHAT, MARTHA??

I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.

If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.

If a woman asks you to guess her age, always subtract 10 years from your estimate. IMPORTANT: Do NOT do this if she’s in her early twenties.

My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”

Boss: I need you to work late.
Me: [sprays her with Pepsi]
B: You’re fired.
Me: So I don’t have to work late?
B: No.
Me: [winks at camera]

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I have a magnetic* personality

*Clingy and obsessive.

Me: I really want to go travelling

My bank balance: like…around the house?

This should not be this funny I am sorry😭😭😭

[drive-thru at 2am]

Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!

Neighbor’s mailbox: …

I have a firm understanding of basic math.

Example: I have two cupcakes and I’m going to eat them both.

caveman: I’ve invented the wheel!

hamster: finally!!!

them: talk is cheap

me: two talks please

I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.

My mother had eight kids. She didn’t have time to cut our ham sandwiches in quarters. We just went to school with a bag of wheat and a live pig and figured it out.

Me: I let my guard down.

Prison guard: I’m not angry, just disappointed.

Select elevator floors without using your hands, guys. Chicks dig it.

When younger I would walk up to the counter and the bartender would know me by name. Now it’s my pharmacist.

I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!

I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.

Britches love stitches.

Wife: I think I’m going into labor!

Me: *with a cold* Could you make me some soup before you go?