Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
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Anne Hathaway
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
[mom ridiculing me in front of new GF]
“Luke was afraid to go into family changing rooms until 22 because he thought he’d get a new family”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
[sideline]
QB: Do you think I should go for it?
COACH: I say go for it[huddle]
CENTER: So?
QB: Would you like to go for a coffee sometime?
♫Whip me up, Before you Nae Nae
Don’t leave me hanging on like a Bae Bae♫
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
The new Disney Pixar movie sounds wild
Do you think when the Hamburglar robs people he holds them at bun point?
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot….. I then went inside and spent $447. Brillianty played, IKEA.
“Get a load of this guy!”- Receptionist at a sperm bank.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
we need a 3 day weekend:
1 for errands
1 for social activities
1 for staying in bed like we’ve got some Victorian wasting disease
No one lies to themself more than the person that says they’ll do the dishes after they “relax for a little bit”.
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
I’m part of a mom group chat which means I can read 3,000 messages to learn my kid has a science project due tomorrow.
Double negatives are never not confusing.
playing wake you up before your alarm with my neighbor.
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Him: Are u free later?
Me: No I’m expensive all the time
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.