Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.

Cop: You swerved into the other lane…do you know how fast you were driving?

Me: did I look like I was paying attention?

The last time I said I wanted to try missionary, she sent me to a remote village in Africa

If your 3yo cries for 45 min cause she wants to stay on the toilet but she doesn’t want to stay on the toilet and she wants to wipe but she doesn’t want to wipe and she wants you to stay but she doesn’t want you to stay, letting her have cookies for breakfast is called self-care.

My dancing style can best be described as “newborn gazelle being chased by lion.”

Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that

Current adult status: Just got into a heated debate about whether or not Merida from Brave is a Disney princess. I won. She is not.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Sad how shallow some women can be. I was informed the girl I like said she’d NEVER date a guy w/ a job like mine. Sorry I’m not some hot shot lawyer or doctor. Idk, maybe embezzling money from a children’s cancer research fund isn’t the most prestigious job but it pays the bills

The darkness in me is making me sneeze.

there is literally nothing you could do at a mcdonalds that would cause a whale to call the cops

Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese

You know what really makes me smile?

Fascial muscles.

My gynecologist recognized me at the grocery store, so I guess I need to start wearing longer skirts.

I love when men go on diets they will be like let me go for the healthy option.. the buffalo chicken quesadilla

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

DETECTIVE: TELL US WHERE THE STOLEN BANK MONEY IS HIDDEN

ROBBER: Nope, but I WILL give you a series of clues

DETECTIVE: ok this sounds fun

Then darkness fell upon the Earth, and the demons rose to torture and feast on our souls.

CW: Jeeze Ange, it was just a cloud, lighten up.

I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.

Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes

‘Black Swan’ is on HBO 2 if anyone wants to watch Natalie Portman masturbate in front of her stuffed animals.

I don’t mean to brag but I’m one of the reasons they installed emergency stop clips on gym treadmills

Me (to friend): Oh my god, you have to meet him! He’s perfect!!

[8 years later]

Silently becomes enraged at the way he butters toast.

“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

No sun.

There’s nothing like a gift card to tell someone you care about that you don’t trust them with cash.

Marriage is hard, you guys, and anyone that says it isn’t has never been married to me.

ATTENTION:
Die Hard is not a Christmas movie. It’s the BEST Christmas movie.
Case closed.

🎶Somebody once told me the world was gonna roll me🎶

SECRET SOCIETY OF WORLD ROLLERS: Who talked?!

My dad could kick ur dads ass!

Um have u seen my dad

Hes a big guy huh?

No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back