WIFE: I’m leaving you because of your constant mansplaining. I can’t believe you didn’t see the writing on the wall.
ME: That’s called graffiti, Sharon.
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My grandmother is a shining example of how you can live until 90 years of age, sustained by nothing but spite and biscuits.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
My husband kidnapped me for a romantic weekend away. Now I’m just lying here wondering when I’m getting out of the trunk.
The “mommy” to “bro” pipeline is a steep and sudden drop.
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
Martin Shkreli is in jail.
Sorry. No point to make. I just like that sentence.
“Don’t kiss or snuggle backyard poultry,” CDC warns in salmonella alert.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
My son was awake early and I told him “Happy Easter.” He said he thought that was last week. In his defense though, I did bake a ham and give him a bag of Cadbury mini eggs last week… when I thought it was Easter.
OK I watch a lot of Dateline BUT: like 80% of the murders happen in small towns and the episode starts with someone saying “things like this don’t happen in small towns.”
Like – lady, watch Dateline 🤷♀️
The older you get the younger young people look, our seven year old waiter is killing it.
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!
I sent an email saying “I see you all in prison tomorrow” instead of “in person tomorrow” and I’m pretty sure that’s the worst typo a judge can send to counsel.
#ChangeAConsonantSpoilAMovie
Snapes On A Plane
HR and I apparently disagree on what “debriefed” means.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Money never impressed me much.. but neither has being poor.
this site is so cooked lol
Why would you waste money on a service that carries Game of Thrones when you could just absorb the plot of each episode as hundreds of furious live-tweets. I have been consuming the show in this fashion for at least four seasons, as a whale consumes krill.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
Them: Name something you’d like to try in the bedroom
Me: How about a full 8 hours of sleep
Dad died last year. I had the job of clearing his house out as I still
live in the same town. Found twelve thousand pounds in cash stashed in various hiding places. Haven’t told my siblings.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
To all of you who tweet constantly about drinking wine…
Somebody has to say it.
GRAPE JOKES AREN’T FUNNY.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
How to cook the perfect amount of pasta:
1. Pour out how much you think you need
2. Wrong
me: I don’t like other people’s kids
them: how old are yours?
me: I don’t have any