Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

boss: I’m sorry but we have to let you go
me: you’re cancelling me?
boss: I mean, we’re firing you??
me: wow… so this is what cancel culture feels like on the other side
boss: you stabbed Gary in the parking lot after his shift

Victims of ninjas, who hurt you?

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse

If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.

*unsubscribes from newsletter*

*receives email confirming I unsubscribed from newsletter*

*receives email confirming that I received confirmation that I unsubscribed from newsletter*

You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.

when i’m president, i will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm

“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”

This pandemic has prompted a lot of questions like, “Who is at the most risk” and “Is it airborne” and “Has my wife always chewed that loudly?”

What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?

Me: *opens door*
Jehovah’s Witness: Can I talk to you about the lord?
Me: Can I talk to you about my new keto diet?
Jehova’s Witness: Can we just pretend like I never knocked?
Me: sure

“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years

I wear a Fanny Pack to Olive Garden just so I can steal more breadsticks.

Oh no 😂😂💔😭

Cop: This spot is for frog parking only

Me: Oh yeah. What are you gonna do about it?

*gets toad*

45% of divorces stem from $ issues.

45% are caused by infidelity.

The remaining 10% have been linked to IKEA purchases requiring assembly.

Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.

I reached for my bagel at a weird angle and now I need a chiropractor.

I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face

*sends epic tweet*

[no likes 3 hours later]

*waits 2 weeks, sends again*

[no likes 1 day later]

*starts typing*

NSA: dude, let it go

[dismissed from jury duty because I kept coughing loudly the words ‘bribe me’]

In a coffee shop ask the person next to you to watch your laptop, but don’t leave. Put on netflix and binge spongebob with your new pal.

Nice try, private caller. I don’t answer the phone if I know you either.

I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.

If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”

The 3 types of Christmas movies:

1. Movies about Santa.

2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.

3. Die Hard

[at symphony concert]

*marimba part begins*

Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?

Maybe I misheard him…

But I think God just told me to start building a really big goat.