Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I quote Harry Potter too much?
Wife: no, it’s because you get way too excited when I do the laundry.
Me: master has presented Dobby with clothes!
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Got a scam email full of mistakes like they’re not even trying. It won’t be long before AI takes their jobs.
I just kissed the cat and now she has peanut butter on her head.
I have a video appointment with my doctor.
I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.
**shaking a magic 8-ball**
Me: Will my vision ever get better?
Coconut:
[blind date]
JEFF BEZOS: I brought you flowers
HER: Oh thanks. That’s very sweet
JEFF BEZOS: I see you’ve liked flowers. Perhaps you’d like these other flowers
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
you, an idiot: *eats a snack*
me, an intellectual: *snorts caviar*
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
My man put me on eBay, that’s right, I got bidnapped
I’m finally putting that giant exercise ball to use, and my core is hurting from laughing at Toddler Dodgeball.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
Reflexes of a cat, coordination of a drunken cricket
8yo: Geez Mom. Haven’t you ever heard of privacy?
Me: Not since you were born.
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you have extremely good judgement.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
Worth a try
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
March is coming in like a lamb. Slaughtered and roasted with a nice mint sauce, mashed potatoes and seasonal vegetables.
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
If robots are so smart, why can’t my roomba beat me at chess?
Checkmate, science.
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
Customer: Hey I ordered a dozen bagels and you gave me thirteen.
Very Stubborn Baker: No that was on purpose.
*on the phone*
Me: I’d like to order a 12″ cheese steak.
Him: Sure. That’ll be $13.39.
M: How long will it be?
H: Uhh, a foot?
M: …