Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: is it because I’m the universal blood donor type but I never donate blood?
Wife: no, it’s because of your terrible grammatical errors in everything you write.
Me: [whispers] type-o.
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Direct deposit: $1,400
Me: *wipes my tears away with real Kleenex instead of a stray cat*
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
Worst Native American name ever.
If I could choose my own superhero origin story I’d be bitten by a radioactive serotonin
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
Caesar: You will be forced to fight to the death
Gladiator: Hell yeah
Madiator: well this is bullshit
you will never catch me dying in a cave or whilst climbing Mount Everest. you know who hasn’t suffered a gruesome death far in the caverns below ground? me, because I’m in my jim-jams, reading
“She liked it but it didn’t have a bay window for her cat,” said the House Hunters narrator before walking into the sea.
Better than a Justin Bieber concert:
1. Being deaf.
2. A rattlesnake bite.
3. Chewing razor blades.
4. Licking a public toilet seat.
My girl knows I’d never cheat on her because she would need to arrange it and remind me 37 times so I don’t forget
Nobody will know you’re stoned if you’re always stoned
Them: I saw someone who looks just like you!
Someone:
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
WIFE: I’ve child-proofed the house
*our child walks in*
ME: Yeah, great job, Linda
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
sick of fancy drinks with simple syrup. if you are gonna charge me $15, i want complicated syrup. this mojito better frame me for murder
Women: ugh, my period again
Me: In highschool I had 6 periods a day – No big whoop
this is the greatest thing ever
grampa: no controversial topics this Christmas—
me: it’s not controversial
grampa: don’t start
me: Santa is more powerful than the X-Men
grampa: Phoenix would DESTROY San—
me: SPEED, OMNISCIENCE, FLIGHT—
grampa: HE CAN’T FLY IF SHE WIPES REINDEER FROM EXISTENCE!
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
Whoever said “out of sight, out of mind” never had a spider disappear inside their tent.
When my niece told me she knew Santa didn’t exist, I panicked and told her I never lied, it’s just he’d recently died from Coronavirus. Totally saved it.
Holy shit he’s back
Weekend #HayaoMiyazaki
