Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.

This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.

Having no tattoos in 2014, is like having tattoos in 1967.

Surviving Wednesday, then remembering the rest of the week still exists

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

People who make grand sweeping generalizations are all idiots

Too easy.

This year, I want to be a better mother, but having kids is making that impossible.

[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.

I will never forget the time that I helped interview a man for a job opening and when he was asked what he would contribute to the team he said “probably snacks”

TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.

Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.

My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death

Maternity confirmed

Then my wife left me, I became an alcoholic and started making meth in my basement but anyway take one candy bar each kids. Happy Halloween.

We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.

wife: the car battery is dead and i’m gonna be late for work. can you jump it for me?

me: [punching car battery] you like making my wife late?

Sometimes when my husband gets too comfy I like to whisper sexy suggestions like how amazing the neighbor’s lawn has been looking so I can watch him leap out of his chair and rage mow our yard into perfection

We’ve been so worried about my 95-y-o grandmother at a retirement home in New Orleans and she called today to say they ran out of Tito’s vodka and could we ship her some.

I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents

Staying in an AirBNB: “The key is buried in the yard, use the pink metal detector to find it. Kitchen has 3 utensils you’ve never seen before and 7 bottles of spices no one likes. The rabid wolverine in the crawl space is friendly. Please re-tile the shower when you check out.”

My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.

People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.

Tall people everywhere want you stop asking them if they play basketball:

ME (age 32): I never had many friends growing up idk why

ME (age 12): I hope my baby legs fall out soon so my adult legs can grow in

in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down

Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*

Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*

Kid 2: *hold my espresso*

“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”

– reverse psychology

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

“Hi I’m returning this book, and before you say anything, it was checked out to me like this.”
“It was checked out to you wet?”
“…Yes.”
“In that case I commend you on managing to not let it dry out over the past two weeks and can I ask for your hydration regimen?”

Why stop at 7-layer dip? Make it 15 layers. 25. Go nuts. There is literally no one policing this.