Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
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Friend: How could lingerie ruin a romantic night?
Me: He fell asleep waiting for me to put it on. Never buy lingerie at IKEA.
me in my 20s with my 60 year old back pain
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
Me: What’s a que and why are you against it?
Antique dealer: …What?
i wish all
whales
a very
big
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
so many songs about heartache but only one about a werewolf loose on the streets of london??
Tremendous stuff
*opens your fridge and sees 2% milk* hey, your milk’s almost dead
I’m at the farmers market- anybody need any farmers?
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
Did we ever get rid of that ozone layer or are we still worried about that
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
If someone asks you if you’re in the queue, what they actually mean is “you’re really shit at queuing, aren’t you?”
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
[first date]
HER: ask me anything..
ME: are you paying for dinner?
g
a
r
d
e
n
e
r: what can I do for you?me: sorry, I’m looking for a landscape gardener
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
Finally, I can just walk around every day covered in feathers.
God: let there be light!
vampires: wtf dude we were invincible til now
They say your home is your castle.
But the second you build a dungeon in the basement someone inevitably calls the cops
New year new me, I say as I get a new me out of deep freeze and bury the old me in the woods
ME: Hey bro you got toilet paper?
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Yeah [slides me toilet paper]
ME: No I don’t need any I’m just checking.
GUY IN NEXT STALL: Why?
ME: Because I care.
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace