Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking

The great thing about having three young kids is that you’re never lonely at midnight, or 1am, or 2am, or 3am…

doctor: do you smoke?

me: only after sex

doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes

i will not order eggs in a restaurant unless the chef personally lays them

I think they could have phrased this better

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time

Barnabas had a lazy eye.

The other, however, was a real go-getter.

WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS

DATE: What do you do?
ME: I write for TV
DATE: Wow! Anything I would know?
ME: Ever heard of subtitles

Me: You touched my heart.

Cardiologist: You’re not supposed to be awake, but thanks. LOL

[woken up by barking]
wife: oh god it’s an intruder!
me: sssshhh [listens carefully] no, it’s definitely a dog

Me: Soooo it’s our 3rd date. Is this when we like, you know, take it to the next level?

Him: Definitely! My place or yours?

Me: I was just hoping to go somewhere a little nicer than 7-11

There’s a lady at work named Lillian Llewellyn who carries a briefcase and I like to imagine it falling open and spilling a bunch of L’s

I’m so glad our local rats are getting to go on vacation

“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”

The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.

What is your favorite movie where Tom Cruise runs really fast?

You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.

LADIES imagine this,

its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little

Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.

Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.

I may not be the prettiest or smartest girl in the room, but I definitely have the most chicken nuggets in my purse.

Shouts out to the Trump Tower suction cup guy for being the second craziest person to ascend that building.

*Password must be hard to guess*

New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?

“No, no. No! NO!” – guy who invented black ski masks after people started using them for robbing

You’d think for $40 they’d be able to cut anything but apparently my wife’s expensive craft scissors are not for opening ice pops.

As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.

The plot thickens.

As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.

Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me!

[Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting