Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.

Few people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist who created a monster from body parts.

His name was Frank

Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.

accountant: do you have any dependents?

me: i’m illegally running several celebrity pet accounts on IG right now.

I’m half potato on my dad’s side

Mom, you’re embarrassing me in front of the hostages!

AOL has been hacked. Users have also been asked to check their Atari settings for possible compromise.

Can’t. Trying to decide between hiding the presents in the dishwasher or the washer/dryer since I’m the only one in this damn house who uses them.

detective: this’ll make you talk

suspect: a banana?

detective: *starts chewing*

suspect: *crying* omg peel it

Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?

If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley

My 2022 Resolutions:

1. Don’t die

2. Race a sloth

3. Develop new trust issues

4. Offend more people by being myself

5. Don’t use hashtags

6. Keep tweeting crap like this

AT&T sent me a text apologizing for their service outage. I sent them a text thanking them for making it impossible for people to call me.

If you’re ever wondering what to do in an uncomfortable situation, just think “What would teenage me do?”
And then do the opposite of that.

My plumber found a blunt in my faucet.
No wonder my water bills are so high.

#PlumbersDay

Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.

Me: Uses all fours to walk up a flight of stairs.

Had an Airbus A320 in with some fuselage damage. Benny in maintenance didn’t have the parts, so he had to do a few adjustments and a spot of riveting. The airline will never know.

Your 20s are for figuring out who you are.

Your 30s are for figuring out where you want to be.

Your 40s are for figuring out what the attachments to your vacuum do

I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.

Advantage: human.

meeting beyonce and telling her i loved her in goldmember and mentioning nothing about her music career just to see if it throws her off

[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied

Friend: Don’t be nervous about your interview, just act like you already have the job!

*2 hours later*

Friend: So, how did your pilot interview go?

Me: *sirens blaring as police chase me down in my stolen helicopter* NOT GREAT STEVE

My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.

#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning

What’s the opposite of mentos?

Lady fingers.

#RubbishJokes #DadJokes

Me: I lost 35 pounds today.

Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?

Offend your local English teacher by calling classic novels boring.

Lionel Ritchie being British :

🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵

With Girls Gone Wild bankrupt wild girls no longer have a home. Many of them will be put down. Please. Adopt a wild girl. Before she’s gone.

Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.

Sandra the orangutang started washing her hands because she saw all the zookeepers doing it repeatedly during the COVID-19 crisis.

Wash your hands.
Be more like Sandra.🌎❤️🧼🌎