Wife: I’m leaving you.
Me: Us.
Wife:
Me: You’re leaving us.
Wife:
Me: Also, why?
Wife: *Sigh*
Sock Puppet I Never Take Off: Answer him, Susan.
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PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
“Clean” my shower? Then what? Give my car a ride into town? Grow up
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Me: goodnight sweetheart
9: mummy!
Me: is it important
9: YES
Me: what’s up
9: do you think someone could live if they had organs and a skull but no other bones
What’s sadder, the end of “Titanic” or my son’s face when I ask him to explain Bitcoin again?
I’m at this weird place in my life right now where I’m being chased by police helicopters
I thought I was smooth, sneaking away from my date to watch a YouTube tutorial on chopsticks, but all he did was ask in horror why I took my chopsticks into the bathroom.
Why is everyone worried about meteors instead of the possibility that Russia just got their own Superman?
The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
protagonist: tag you’re it
antagonist: no you’re it
pennywise: are you kidding me?
Me: Where’s your water bottle?
3yo: I don’t know.
Me: Can you please go look for it?
3yo: *without moving or breaking eye contact* I can’t find it.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
You don’t shave your legs for a couple days and all of a sudden everyone’s all like way to pop the inflatable pool mom
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
the annoying thing about the top secret documents is that now we’re all talking about them and i’m just like, omg what do they say???? and i keep forgetting we’re not allowed to know and that’s the whole point. but like, just tell me!!!! i won’t tell i swear
I don’t think my family will ever accept me.
First it’s “get a hobby,” now it’s “stop sacrificing our chickens to lesser-known gods.”
Me My dog
Clock: “You need to get up in 6 hours.”
Me: “No you’re mistaken. First I need to Google the lyrics to that song from 9th grade, and then find the episode with the scene where they played that song on BH 90210.”
I saw an ad for burial plots and I thought, that’s the last thing I need.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny