Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just did a zoom book talk with 100+ ppl and my mother came on and wrote this in the comments:

Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.

I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours

Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*

Next door’s newborn has a really distinctive cry it goes “VVVVRRRROOOOOOOOMMMMMMM!”
It’s not a breastfed baby – it’s a formula one.

mario: I hate you

wario: and I hate you

mario:

wario:

mario: do you wanna play tennis

wario: lmao hell yeah

I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.

My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool

Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁

just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant

Cop1:did u hear about the kidnapping?

Cop2: should we go help?

Cop1: No it’s ok he woke up.

This fall on CBS
“Good Cop, Dad Cop”

me: if you string several jason statham movies together in a row you’ll discover that they’re just one long commercial for kicking.
the priest giving me communion: have you tried becoming a mormon?

Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all

*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*

[2 seconds later]

Shit I need a paper clip

Fun fact: Taking a box of condoms to the pharmacist’s window and asking for the fitting room will get you thrown out of Target.

bank transfers when they’re taking money out of your account: haha yeah we can do this at the speed of light now. w/e its cool

bank transfers when they’re putting money in your account: hold on there pardner. we have to load this check on a pony and ride it across texas first

Bloodmobile: Sir, for the last time, this isn’t a food truck.

Dracula: Theez iz some bullshit.

Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.

Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?

My next tattoo will be “helvetica” written in Arial. When a woman corrects me on it, I will marry her

“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.

My next door neighbor just stole my gate and I want to confront him about it…

But I’m worried he might take a fence.

#Jokes

I’m more than willing to test out that whole “money can’t buy happiness” thing.

“Hey. You sleeping? No? Whatcha thinkin about? Hey. Did you hear me? Hey. Hey. Ok. You’re boring. I’m leaving… Jk I’m back. Hey” – Birds

Couldn’t afford a man cave. Had to settle for a gazebro

Denied candy because I “didn’t wear red”. Kicked out of the office because I “didn’t wear pants”. I’m tired of these Valentine’s Day rules.

Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.

[being murdered]
Me: hey Alexa, how about a little mood music over here

I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..

sometimes I take the clothes off my treadmill when I run on it & sometimes I just run on top of them