Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.

living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.

I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.

*Zuckerberg sits in front of congress*
“Mr Zuckerberg, we have several very serious questions and we demand answers”
“I have printed out all of your Internet histories”
“This meeting is over”

Stop calling it “sweater weather” and call it what it really is, “I don’t have to shave my legs for 6 months weather.”

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

Someone at work sent an email that said “happy Monday” so I’m going to HR.

Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here

Me: what?

Mailman: what’s in the package

Me: oh I thought u meant my house

Mailman: no haha

Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol

Mailman: for real what is it

Me: oh bowling balls without holes

GF: I’m leaving you because you’re obsessed with Spanish puns and Despicable Me.

ME: Please don’t go. You’re Juan in a minion.

BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday

Angel: so what are these?

God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need

Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it

God: that’s a potato

Angel: it must be really good for you then

God: lol…no

Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:

[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme

I’m not interested in men anymore, my focus is on buffets.

Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche

At grandma’s. Which means this morning I woke up at 8:45am and was still greeted with, “Look who’s finally up. We thought you were dead!”

Apparently “A shit ton” is not the correct response when a girl scout asks how many boxes.

I needed a laugh this morning.

You know when you do Secret Santa and you give the person a gift card, glove and scarf set in handmade gift bag you sewed yourself and you get a stained coffee mug with Halloween candy in it?

That.

Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?

Me: She’s my current wife.

Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.

I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.

I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”

My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.

I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.

Smoking is tricky. it gets me out of bed, it gets me outside. It gets me talking to the boys. It lets me look a little cooler than i should. It satisfies my oral fixation and my desire to fidget. It gives me an excuse to get a little snack at the store. But it’s french,

If my body is ever found dead on a jogging trail, just know I was murdered elsewhere and dumped there.

If I had known I could hurt myself just by sneezing I wouldn’t have been in such a hurry to grow up

they used to be called swing states. now they’re called battleground states. just another example of our sex-negative culture

The United Steaks of America

i’m boycotting girl scout cookies until they’re honest enough to list the serving size as “sleeve”

Sometimes I make myself feel important by thinking in a British accent.