WIFE: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because I name inanimate objects?
WIFE: no, it’s because you won’t stop wearing that eyepiece
ME: [looking perplexed] why do you hate Monoclewinsky?
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I can see the appeal of golf, the only sport where the winner is the one who does the least.
I’d donate my body to science after I die, but they’d find 42 packs of chewed up and swallowed Hubba Bubba and my mom would be disappointed.
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
Nickelback jokes are the Nickelback of jokes.
the year is 2025. ur child comes home from their first day of school saying they made a friend. ur ecstatic. there are numbers in his friend’s name and u think to urself ‘odd but ok.’ u call to set up lunch with the young robot’s parents. a tesla pulls up and u realize ur mistake
ballet teacher: “The girls tell me you’re going to a country that doesn’t allow children?”
Yes. I’m in my parenting powermove liar liar pants on fire era.
*lies down on waxing table
Aesthetician(on phone): Cancel all my appts, check the moon phase and bring me a gun loaded with silver bullets.
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Whoever said “find joy in the small things” clearly didn’t know my ex.
he said he hasn’t touched my anti aging serum but one of his palms clearly looks younger than the other
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
Kid at my door: Trick or treat
Me: (holding warm gravy boat) just on the candy corn or all over?
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
“just a suggestion :)” is the most passive aggressive aside of all time. here’s my cute little suggestion cloaked in invisible knives
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
a woman just ran through the coffeeshop yelling “HELP! I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER! HELP HELP I NEED A HIGHLIGHTER” and I want to trade problems with her
shit, they caught us—run!!!
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Me: If I were you, I’d confront your boss
Friend: You would?
Me: I wouldn’t. If I were you, I would. If it were me, I’d do what you’re doing
Cop said that it’s illegal for me to have flashing lights & siren on my car.
I looked at his car and said are you going to arrest yourself?
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
My 2yo said she is a grown up. I told her she isn’t, that she is a toddler. She replied, “No, I’m a grown up. I’m going to touch knives.”
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Stop talking. They are staring at you. You are saying bizarre things.
-An Inner Monologue