wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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Condoms do not guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman’s husband.
*trying to remember something*
brain: put your hands on hips
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
Daughter: Alexa play Let it Go.
Me: when I was your age I had to call the radio station, wait on hold for 30 mins to request a song, then sit by my boom box for an hour with a blank cassette tape for my song to play so I could record it.
Daughter: I don’t know what that means.
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
[hitting on a girl]
ME: can I buy you a beer?
HER: no thanks
ME: so two beers then?
HER: i said no thanks
ME: *checking my wallet nervously* ok three beers last offer
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
NAZI: I’m a Nazi
MEDIA: How controversial
NAZI: I said I was a Nazi
MEDIA: Your clothes are beautifully tailored
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
The hotel bartender said I couldn’t take my drink back to my room so I said, “But what if you just…let me?” and he didn’t have a real answer to that, so I’m in bed with my drink now.
A brightly-colored van drives slowly down our street. Kids gather excitedly. It is the Edible Arrangements truck. We are all betrayed.
I know my son will be a good dad one day, because I dropped a plate and he said “now things are getting out of hand” with a straight face
no one in the history of the world has ever been less interested in making grand proclamations than I
Mario! Are you coming to save me from Bowser’s Castle?
PEACH I MIGHT BE
I gave a co-worker my word today …
And yes, the word started with the letter ‘F’ …
I think I overdosed on comfort food last night….
That makes 7,427 days in a row.
I am never leaving this website
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”
*crawls back into sea to de-evolve*
do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
[Spider-Man shows up at my house]
*I carefully scoop him up on a piece of paper and release him outside my door*
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
My 2yo loves to put hats on people, but you never know if it’s going to be an actual hat, a slice of cheese, an empty bowl, or his toy shopping cart.
[ looking at family pictures ]
Kid: where am I?
Me: you weren’t born yet
[ later ]
Kid: *drawing family*
Me: where’s mommy?
Kid: you weren’t born yet
Damn
COP: I need to search your car.
ME: Sure, google whatever you want officer.
[boxing match]
ANNOUNCER: …and the challenger weighing 8lbs 7oz, Billy “The Baby” Sanchez
CHAMP: That’s a real baby
TRAINER: You got this
“I hate when I can’t think of the right word,” she protesticulated.
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.