Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hub: Did you eat all the nachos?

Me: Noooo. I had one nacho.

Hub: because they were stuck together?

Me: LIKE I SAID, ONE NACHO!

Still finding Easter eggs hidden around the house which is especially scary considering I live alone.

[Maroon 4 meeting]

Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”

Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”

Adam: “I’ve got it”

(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.

I was bored.

[being murdered]

Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”

That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.

I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?

If I close my eyes and nod while eating the food you made, it was good.

If you see me eating like a raccoon, it is absolutely amazing.

Instead of the USPS they should have the PSPS where trucks would just drive around and put cats in your mailbox.

My parents are 75 and 84. My son & I do frequent drive-by visits to make sure they have what they need. Today, I guess they needed to party.

[when my crystal pendant starts glowing eerily] hold on, i’d better take this

that lip filler tho

Pretty much! 😂👀

Easter chocolate is the best chocolate. Everbunny knows that.

I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.

U know how In a box of chocolates there’s always one disgusting one? That was my idea, I came up w that. “Put a gross one in there” I said

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

Eve: I think we should see other people.

Adam: There’s other people here?

Eve: No.

A: What the…

E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.

me: [on phone] I need a doctor’s appointment

receptionist: it’s going to be at least a month

me: ok I’ll hold

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

My brother said he’d have to call me back because he had to “take a shit.” That was six hours ago. At what point should I start to worry?

Sorry we can’t be friends, but you spent $50 on a wine scented candle because it smelled good instead of just buying me five bottles of wine.

Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om

Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown

Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41m

Groundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days

How dare you incinerate that I don’t know big words.

I’m not saying I got lost, but a search party did find me on the wrong mountain.

“Eat her already!” – Animal watching people kissing

[end of a job interview]

Interviewer: Any questions?

Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?

Him:

Me:

Him: Which half?