@mrjohndarby

wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

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@TrueTorontoGirl

Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.

@david8hughes

Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time

@nevernicethings

Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.

@solsayswhaaa

*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist

@dumbbeezie

My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.

@donni

Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/

@Pappiness

Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.