wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something

You Might Also Like


Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.


Her: I like your hair. Did you get it cut?
Me: I washed it
Her: but it looks really different
Me: yeah I used water this time


Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.


*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark

-me as a tattoo artist


My parents didn’t raise me to be disrespectful. I had to practice.


Shout out to people who block me cuz it hurts their feelings I occasionally fav them without following. You can also just ask me to stop :/


Eric Trump said the Syria strike was swayed by a “heartbroken” Ivanka. He also pouted that dad has never bombed a country for him.