wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i speak so quietly?
wife: well you could at least say something
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Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?
*sneezes with a mouthful of toothpaste*
🤣dope
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
Cop: license and registration
Me: that won’t be necessary officer
*places a glazed donut in his pocket
[sees a baby spit up after drinking from baby bottle]
“lmao yo who invited the lightweight”
One of the things that always makes me laugh about this place is how any time I say “I’m trying to use self-control” people always respond back with “No! Do it! Do iiiiiitttt!” *laughing hard*
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Imagining the meeting I call to apologize to my co-workers for posting a video in which I publicly accused them of plotting my murder.
-911 Whats the emergency?
My wife is suffocating me
-Literally or figuratively sir?
Well thats a stupid question. How would I be talking?
In my defense, it was my first eulogy. I assumed it was supposed to rhyme.
My 17-year-old bought us dinner and now he’s making brownies and we’re about to watch a movie together.
I don’t even care what crime he committed to inspire this good behavior, I just hope they don’t catch him anytime soon.
Accidentally dialed 911 so I set my neighbor’s house on fire so I wouldn’t look stupid.
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
My new husband and me are already winning thru compromise. I accept he’ll never pick up all his socks and he allows the occasional hit and run homicide. Patience & 💛.
Nice shoes. Where’d you get them?
Him: …
*peeks under bathroom stall*
Did you hear me?
The Amazon algorithm? More like a buyological weapon, amirite?!
I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
If your wife asks which friend would you like to have a threesome with, name her. Not two of her friends. Trust me guys.
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
If two parents sit down to help their child with three math problems at 7:00 PM, what time will daddy be sleeping on the couch tonight?
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
My weight? That’s on a need to know basis and I don’t need to know!
Of all the terrible tweets credited to sausagey-sounding clerics, this one is by Father Wurst.
Oh hi lol
ME: *taking a massive hit of universal healthcare*
DAD: *pounding on the door* what are you kids doing in there?
ME:
DAD: Are you doing socialism in there? Open this door right now
Apparently telling someone you’ll catch their next wedding is unacceptable, whatevers.
I’m gonna make a photo editing type program that makes you look like a Hobbit and call it Frodoshop.