Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hate the weather? Wait 5 minutes. It’s Ohio.
Where you can experience every season within 24 hours.

*Breakfast*
-Do u want the buffet?

-No, I’ll order off the menu

-The buffet has more options

-That’s ok. I know what I want

-The buffet?

-No.

-Look, I don’t feel like bringing u food.

I was really getting my act together–eating right, exercising regularly, looking hot, feeling strong, and doing good work. Then I woke up.

9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.

heavy rain in Los Angeles is a great way to find out that every roof in the city has apparently been purely decorative this entire time

I want to buy my girlfriend a present within 250$ on valentines day any suggestions?

I also need a girlfriend to give her the present and 250$.

Mick Jagger: “Hey you, get off of my cloud.”

Scotsman: “Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe.”

Wife thinks I bought way too many presents. Hah! It’s just one jigsaw puzzle with the pieces wrapped individually

me: haven’t you ever heard the saying “the customer is always right”?

mcdonald’s cashier: sir, i’m sorry, but the statue of ronald mcdonald doesn’t “come to life every 15 years to prey on burger king customers”

ever since my girlfriend moved to Alaska she seems cold and distant

[reading Harry Potter]

Me: Do you know what’s going on?

3-year-old: He went to lizard school.

I’d correct her, but her version is better.

if they played poker with potato chips I’d have a gambling problem

who said “fortune favors the prepared” instead of “ready player won”?

I hate that feeling when your iPod earbud accidentally gets ripped out of your ear and you want to murder someone with a hammer.

[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany

No. I would not like it if my dog knew how to talk, I taught my daughter to talk now all she does is make fun of me

DOG DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: Please assume the correct position for operating a vehicle.
DOG STUDENT: *sticks head out window*
DDI: Excellent.

We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.

We already did thanksgiving here in Canada so I won’t spoil the ending for you

I’m sorry your wife touches the elf on the shelf more than you.

The only French I know are words for food items and the chorus of Lady Marmelade. Turns out that’s all you really need.

Bagpipes.
An octopus-shaped instrument in a plaid skirt that sounds like a Canadian goose with a foot trapped in an escalator.

When played with proper accompaniment, they somehow sound marvelous!

Baked beans are like regular beans except they can’t stop laughing, love munchies and sleep on your couch.

Have you ever considered, that if there is a God, same sex attraction was created to prevent the overpopulation of unloved children? I have.

I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.

Plaintiffs and defendants should have courtroom entrance music like professional wrestlers

What idiot named them twins instead of wombmates?

I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭

My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh

My Fitbit thanked me for not making him work nearly as hard as the other Fitbits.