Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.

[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

With all due respect to Marie Kondo if I wanted to actually get rid of all the things in my life that didn’t “bring me joy” I’d just throw myself into a dumpster

bank teller: I can’t read this note, it’s in cursive

bank robber: *angry boomer noises*

I just realized the straps on the side of the mattress are for moving the mattress, and not for what I’ve been using them for all this time.

[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*

[credits]

shoutout to Disney for giving me unrealistic expectations about love, talking animals and my singing voice

Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.

And I was never asked to make anything for the school bake sale again

God: write this down
Moses [grabs tablet]: shoot
God: thou shalt have no-
Moses: slow down, pal. It’s gonna take me an hour to carve ‘Thou’

Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.

Son #2: [in bath] We did.

This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.

Kid: Where do babies come from?

Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.

Kid: What happened to the rest of my fries?

Me: When a man and a woman…

Never had a DUI, I always pee after sex

Doc: This pill may cause:
Heart attack, stroke, minor weight gain, and death

Me: WOAH BACK UP, weight gain? I’m out.

Friend: Don’t come on too strong is my dating tip.

[At the restaurant]

Her: Can you pass the salt, please?

Me: Sorry, it’s too heavy.

When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter

Me: I want to do unspeakable things to you.

Her: Tell me…

Me: Do you know what unspeakable means Lydia?

My 3yo said Cheese is her favorite place. I don’t know if I should be worried that she thinks cheese is a place or sad because it’s not.

don’t date writers. they will send you their screenplay after a day of talking and it’s like OH now I have homework???

Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr

My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.

Cop: Are you drunk? You were driving in the middle of 2 lanes

Me: No. I was pretending my car was Pacman eating the dotted line

My kids wanted a spooky story from the olden days so I told them the internet used to scream when you turned it on.

If I could have lunch with anyone, alive or dead, I would choose alive, because dead people won’t pass the f***ing salt.

me: do you guys massage calves
masseuse: of course
me: perfect [holds door open for a bunch of baby cows]

A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.

I have a friend named Stacy. My husband calls her Tracy. After correcting him several times, we are finally both calling her Tracy.

FRIEND: I just found out my kid lost another tooth

ME: Really? Which one?

FRIEND: Katie

ME: Wow, I didn’t know your kid named his teeth

It’s cute how I ordered 2 drinks and the bartender asked if I wanted to wait for the other person to be seated