Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?

Wife: No.

Son: Why not?

Wife: You want to jump in here?

Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.

boss: can you fit me into your schedule

me: schMEdule

Me: I killed another one, boss.
Mob boss: You don’t work for me.
Me: I volunteered.
Mob boss:*Looking angry*
Me: I’m gonna get back to work.

There is a disturbing amount of product placement in my dreams.

blacksmith: hey, so I’ve finished welding those fruity soda cans together like you asked.

me: Fantastick.

Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???

Porky Pig does it.
Winnie the Pooh does it.
Donald Duck does it.
Even Squidward does it.

But when I walk around without pants on it’s, ”Put your hands up, get on the ground, and put your hands behind your back!”

What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?

I tried a vegan recipe book last night. It was much tastier than any of the recipes in it.

[Job Interview]
Interviewer: So tell me about your hobbies.
Me: Well I really enjoy minding my own goddamn business.

The new employee manual at work mislabeled “casual Friday” as “cannibal Friday” & sadly we lost poor Dorothy before anyone could stop Fred.

If you say “I knew you were going to say that” enough.

You can start billing people for psychic readings.

Me: Don’t text him if he’s ignoring you.

Also me: *sends him 67 messages*

why is being alive so expensive. I’m not even having a good time.

When your wife says “It’s up to you”, it’s not.

weddings should have a worst man

Interviewer: Name some of your weaknesses.

Me: I procrastinate. Haphazard, cantankerous…

Interviewer: Strengths?

Me: Vocabulary?

HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?

Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?

HR: What?

Me: You can fix that right here, right now

We know he can swim but…

[during sex]

Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.

My beach vacation Google searches

Me: See? To prove I’m not some boring house dad, I got a tattoo.

Her: Oh cool! It’s… uh?

Me: (proudly) It’s my thermos! From work!

Her: Well, uh, the line work is certainly…

Me: Don’t touch the thermos tat.

Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.

Wife: Your problem is your incompetence

Me: I can hold my pee just fine

Keep things interesting by delicately sneaking ice cubes into your friends’ pockets

Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.

Me: why? What do you mean?

LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!

#NationalLazyDay

Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.

Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked

Ten out of one women is a Russian Nesting Doll