wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
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On the first day of Christmas my 2yo gave to me…
A cold that will last all week
There are so many different genres of music nowadays, but most of it could be filed under “Ear Shit”
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Never understood football. If I wanted to watch people run into each other I would just go to the mall on a Saturday.
When people ask me for directions Im just going to do a really slow sarcastic Macarena .
A Harry Potter spinoff series that focuses on Hermione’s origin story called Granger Things.
Me: sorry I can’t work today, the baby’s not well
Boss: what baby?
Me: me
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
idk much about capitalism but taylor swift should create a line of nebulizers for her asthmatic fans called inhaler swift.
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Europeans’ out of offices are like “I will not be working until 18 September. All emails will be automatically deleted.”
Americans: “I am in the hospital. Email responses may be delayed by up to 30 mins. Sorry for the inconvenience! If urgent, please reach me in the ER at…”
This anagram machine is out of order.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
15: how come I have to go to bed but you get to stay up late?
me: cause I’m 41 and can make bad decisions
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
20s: insufficient funds
30s: insufficient fun
Slamming into a lamppost in a robotaxi, staggering out and calling another robotaxi to the hospital which also immediately drives into a lamppost
murderer: *stabbing me*
me: 🙂
murderer: doesn’t it hurt?
me: i’m used to it i have a cat :’)
Okay kid, here’s the context. Each of your toes is a pig. I’m going to grab them, one by one, and tell you what each one did. I know, it’s weird, just roll with it.
2: ok
Chicken Doctor: *strutting in* I’m afraid he has passed.
Chicken Widow: BUT WHY
Chicken Doctor: To get to the other side.
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
[walking into Sephora]
me: I love how it smells in here! If I ever find a man who smells like this, I’m going to lock him in the basement forever.
my husband: I’m right here you know
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.