wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
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Wife: I’m leaving with the kids if you don’t stop pretending our house is a hospital
Me: That would be great, we really need the beds
Neighbor: Omg, is that a hickey?
Me, flashing back to burning my neck with a curling iron: Yup, I still got it.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Go to a suburban neighborhood, find the meanest mom with the biggest glass of white wine, and bring her to negotiate your new car purchase.
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
I named a large spider I saw today in my bedroom “Cotton Eye Joe” because Where’d you come from. Where’d you go.
My wife learned the closer you travel to the speed of light, the longer you live. Now she drives like she wants to live forever.
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: [snoring]
Netflix: [takes last piece of birthday cake from fridge]
I had to use my 12 year old son’s AXE bodywash this morning because we were out of soap and when I got to work my boss took one whiff and asked if I rode my skateboard.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
Sick of obnoxious ring tones in the office, so I’ve set mine to the sound of a girl screaming (horror movie style).
*stops next to punks at red light*
*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*
*light turns green, slowly accelerates*
Me: The salad with chicken, cheese and can you put it between slices of bread?
Waiter: So a sandwich?
Me: I’d prefer if we called it a salad
Me as a therapist: omg same
My dog when she hears popcorn popping
GOD: I will send you to Earth to be a martyr.
JESUS: What’s a martyr?
GOD: Not much, what’s a martyr with you?
Driving and trying to read twitter, I just ran over a poodle. Unfortunately I drive a Yaris. My car got a dent and the poodle got annoyed.
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
eating cereal in the shower isn’t saving me as much time as i thought.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*