Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.

*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*

Kids have been at camp for 10 days now – we’ve been so curious to hear ANYTHING about camp and finally one letter came last week – which opened with the heartfelt and powerful words of:
“had to write this letter to get a snack”

Seems like I missed a spectacular display of the Northern Lights yet again because unfortunately in my location the view was totally obscured by a thick layer of nice warm bedroom.

[gently takes the Spider-Man franchise outside using a cup and piece of paper]
There you go, little buddy. You’re free now.

on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house

[last day at job]

“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”

[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]

“Not you tho Phil”

ME: [walking down the street clearly counting with my fingers]

WIFE: you could just-

ME: I’m not paying for another Fitbit, Jenn

Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?

How many different places do you look for something before you decide it’s lost?

Men – 2

Women – 1,768

There are only 2 things Donald Trump fears: 1) The world discovers he’s been lying about being a billionaire, and 2) a strong wind.

Alarm clock that releases spiders… NOW you’re up. Million dollar idea.

I’m often mistaken for an adult because of my age

I bet my mom is looking down on me right now, wherever she is.

She’s not dead, just very condescending.

(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
Why

Did

You

Unfollow

Me?

No, you try explain to a 6 year-old why Superman doesn’t wear a mask.

Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.

Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.

Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.

Elephant Son: What is?

I must be an amazing singer… My daughter is so moved by the music, she’s rocking and crying in the corner.

I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.

I hate hotel bath towels.
So thick and fluffy I can’t even close my suitcase!!

[commercial for pants] Is your underwear cold?

To avoid further heartbreaks from loving someone who doesn’t love me back I have decided to focus on things I have a better shot with…like my love of chicken wings.

Chicken wings: Um, I have a boyfriend

me: i like baseball.

man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season

It’d be nice if the married people would leave some of the single people for the rest of the single people.

Nothing says “I’m stubborn” like owning a BlackBerry in 2013.

Give em an enchilada, they’ll take a milechilada.

*does a bunch of math problems while doing sit ups*

*checks for abacus*

What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?

I listen to true-crime podcasts right before bed so that my nightmares will be more interesting.

Yelling at me for warming towels in the oven is not going to get the fire department here any faster.

My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.

Don’t worry. I never get laid.