Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I prefer sex with the lights off. It’s classier and doesn’t drain the car battery.

[Post fight interview w/ boxer Joey “poor choice of words” Stevens]
Joey: “I just couldn’t get that guy to go down on me.”

[shopping for a house]
Me: It’s nice but I was thinking something a little bigger.
Realtor: This is my office.

[bedtime]

daughter: dad, i’m afraid a bug will crawl into my mouth while i’m sleeping

me: don’t be silly, the spiders that live in your eyebrows would catch it first

daughter: …

me: night, sweetheart

My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.

honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good

I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it

“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me

Make sure to thank Jeff Goldblum and Will Smith for saving the world from aliens today.

I’m gonna start a woman’s monthly magazine called “Period”, and some months I will send it out late to freak out subscribers

*after eating 5300 calories of chinese food in 1 sitting* is nausea a symptom of covid

[schoolyard crime scene]
DETECTIVE: This chalk outline indicates that a robot was brutally murdered
LIEUTENANT: That’s a hopscotch game

I waitress because if I don’t get screamed at twice a day about condiments, I don’t feel like I have put in an honest days work.

5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.

Me: OK, what do you need me to do?

5-year-old: Go find Mom.

Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing

Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.

Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..

BOSS: I need to see you in my office

ME: *I begrudgingly take off my invisibility cloak* oh alright

“You ruined everything.”

-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops

I have a friend who met her husband when her mom married his much older brother when she was 8. So her future husband was the much younger brother of her stepdad. I usually lose people around this point and have to say, “Imagine if you and your mom had the same mother-in-law”

Joined a street protest.

Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.

3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon

I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.

Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.

PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.

My sons having a few friends stay over tonight

Hockey mask *check
Chainsaw *check

Hopefully this will be the last sleepover for a while

i can’t believe adam and eve had to leave the garden of eden over an apple. if it were a better fruit like a mango or a peach I would understand but an apple?

I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke