wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because of my hobby?
wife: yes
me: but on friday february 8th 2018 at 8:17 pm I asked “Is it ok if I became a stenographer” to which you replied “thats fine” to which I replied “great” to which you replied “wait are you typing this right now?”
Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with an eleven person group text.
How come nobody’s made an anti-depressant called “Les Miserables”?
Me: I want to travel
Bank account: Where? To work?
Inventing croutons:
What if rocks were bread
“no one remembers the weird thing you said at that party” actually the weird thing you said has become a sacred inside joke that bonded several people at that party together forever
I like when videogames limit how many things you can hold. “You have 100 items in an invisible bag. Carrying another would be unrealistic”
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Date: You shouldn’t be using a straw
Me: I know, I know, it’s bad for the environment
Date: It’s just a weird way to eat spaghetti
After you read 5 tweets about fires, Twitter just gives you a certificate and a fire hose 😆
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Might fuck around and reply “history will absolve me” to all work emails.
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[cheesecake for two at fancy restaurant]
Me: -bite-
Him: -bite-
Me: -bite-
Him -bite-
[cheesecake falls on its side]
Me: Jenga!
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
“And the Oscar for Best Actress goes to…..Beyoncé?”
*Kanye slowly sits down*
My doctor asked where I was in my menstrual cycle so I told her I’m on the ‘assuming everyone is mad at me’ day.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
I ran into the guy who delivered my pizzas a couple nights ago at a concert and he didn’t even remember who I was. Never meet your heroes.
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
Women have closets full of ‘I have nothing to wear.’
*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
If I ever go missing and theres a big search party out looking for me, you can save time by not looking at any gyms.
ME: let’s do some lines do you have a dollar bill?
GUY: *pulls out wallet to reveal a badge* bad news buddy
ME: yeah you can’t snort anything with that
I pet my dog and she started to purr. Thought I should lay off the drugs until I realized the cat was sitting behind her.
They grow up so quick
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
