WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”
When I was a kid I wanted to join this gang. They all had these crazy symbol tattoos on their midsections.
Ok, I wanted to be a Care Bear.
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Me taking notes in a meeting 😅
New trend:
“Haunting”
It’s the opposite of ghosting. You break up, but hang around relentlessly.
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
I eat children for a living
You what?
I said I feed children
Oh haha thought you sa-
TO MY MOUTH
*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
decorating my apartment
ME: I think we’re being followed
DATE: Really?
M: [checks rear-view mirror] Yep
D: Wait you carry that around with you?
M: Just keep walking
Undercover cop at a beauty salon: I’ve been made, over
Is your junk drawer full or also pulls out the drawer beneath it full?
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Bugs Bunny is mostly ears, which makes him a great listener and an ideal boyfriend.
Linda from the office calls it a shawl but I know a shitty cape when I see one.
6: Why are we at the vet?
Me: So our pig can’t have babies
6: How do you know she doesn’t want babies?
Me:*looks at my kids* Just a hunch
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Adopt your boss.
They can’t tell you what to do if they’re grounded.
Me: if we stay on budget for the next few months we’ll be back on track
My bathroom pipes: good plan, right after you fix this leak
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
Me: ooh baby do you know what that’s worth
Congregation: oooh heaven is a place on earth
Bishop: no
Friend: I can’t believe we ever used landlines. Could you imagine your phone always being connected to the wall?
Me, phone always at 4% battery: haha no way
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
Two windmills were sitting on a hill. One asks the other, “Do you have a favorite song?”
The other replies, “Well… all my life I have been a heavy metal fan.”
