WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
if a job listing has “rockstar” anywhere in the description: run.
My toddler just discovered he can put things in his pants pockets, so laundry should be fun tomorrow.
Rent in the city is getting ridiculous. I pay $775 to live in a barista’s beard. I have 3 roommates.
Out in public, my husband and I only argue using whale sounds, so it’s actually a very calm and soothing experience for people around us.
Just used the phrase “my good coat hanger”, if you’re wondering if I have a Swiss Bank Account.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
*during an argument
**command Z, command Z
Well damn, that didn’t work
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
You can pour up to 12 bowls of salad in your sweats before they kick you out of the Olive Garden.
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
It infuriates my wife to see our stuff on the kitchen floor for a few hours but she’s totally fine with a table and chairs being there all year long.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Has anyone ever had a polite awakening?
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
dracula is the original vampire, which means all other vampires are technically his kids. but has he ever paid child support?? dracula is nothing but a deadbeat dad, that’s why he can’t look at himself in the mirror, he’s too ashamed
Hacker 1: She wrote her password recovery questions.
H2: So?
H1: “Fav Law of Thermodynamics?” There’s more than one?
H2: F this. Who’s next?
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
The aliens can learn about the human body the same way I did. Playing Operation.
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
First rule of camping: bring the kind of toilet paper that won’t attract animated bears.
🤣😂🤣😂🤣
Ever woken up, kissed the person sleeping next to you and felt glad to be alive? I just did, so I won’t be catching this train again.
Coming out of the gym, taking a big drag on my protein cigarette
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
[meeting a friend’s new baby]
cool so do you have any non human pets?
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
My 3-year-old was having yogurt for breakfast. He decided to pretend it was ice cream. Then got mad at me because it really wasn’t ice cream.
There aren’t enough condom ads in the world.
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
me: am I awake or dreaming
a giant dragonfly, setting down his tea cup: honestly idk what this is
problems i need
