WIFE: I’m leaving you
ME: oh no what happened?
WIFE: you don’t pay attention to me anymore
ME: this is awful I’ve been working so hard at this
WIFE: it doesn’t feel like you-
ME: it must not have saved!
WIFE:
ME: *pauses video game* I’m sorry what were you saying?
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My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
“Why yes, that scale is accurate”
A collection of horror stories
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
life has a lot less pushing cars filled with dead bodies into bogs than I was led to believe
“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?
Trains are cancelled cause of the wind, but uni expects me to still come in??? What makes them think I’m stronger than a train
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
My refrigerator died. In lieu of flowers, a new fridge would be nice.
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird
*don’t make this weird“So, would you like to hear about my dead grandpa?”
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
Oh deer
I’d be so much more successful if some of my ancestors had just married better.
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
A lot of women think you have to chose between a career and a family, but I’m here to tell you that you can have neither.
Talking vulture: You dead yet? What about now? OK, I’ll wait.
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
Sometimes, when I’m in a deep contemplative mood, I wonder what ants get in their pants…
I’m taking part in a scavenger hunt. I have already killed twelve scavengers
MATH Q: 5 friends wanna split a $50 dinner. But Josh wants a separate check bc his thing was $2 less. Really, Josh? This is y nobody likes u
I got a Father’s Day card from my son that says ‘You’re one of my favourite parents’ so yeah, I’m really nailing this dad thing.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
*me at Target*
“Hey baby, you want some of this?”
*offering to share my chocolate Twizzlers*
Her: *calls security*
~Flirting is so hard
There are two types of people in this world:
1) Good people
2) People who honk immediately when the red light turns green.
ALEX TREBEK: this accidental discovery in 1928 opened the door to modern antibiotics
ME: *spraying a mouthful of popcorn* WHAT IS A DOORKNOB
I just tried to groom my dog myself, and I now fully understand why the dog groomer charges more for a haircut than my own stylist.
Have you ever met a person, & knew straight away that they were ‘the one’?
Yah. I had to take a restraining order out too.