Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late

*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early

Married men aren’t allowed to go the grocery store alone because we’re the kid in the shopping cart, but with money

The chef asked me how I liked my eggs and I accidentally said uneasy instead of over easy. Now I have some uncomfortable eggs staring at me.

Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.

Me: Yea, the nursing home…

Went to buy face moisturizer and the young girl at counter said, “Lets find something for mature skin.”

And then Security had to escort me.

ME: I assume you don’t want your dog to see this?

*slides over pic of him with another dog*

JUDGE: *sweating* Bailiff, release this man.

Chicago pizzerias be like hi would you like a slice of soup?

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

Letting my 4-year-old niece cook me breakfast in her Easy Bake Oven and acting like I’m not about to absolutely destroy her on Yelp.

Six words that strike fear in the hearts of parents everywhere:

You’ve been volunteered as a chaperone

Watching Prosecuting Evil. Annnnddddd every episode so far is within 100 miles of my house. No worries, absolutely no reason to worry.

When the nun comes around to collect the offerings, I shell out a handful of change and a cucumber then give her a wink and a thumbs up.

Whenever I type ‘drink’, autocorrect changes it to ‘drunk’. It’s like it can predict my future.

Chaining myself to the bed tonight, not because I’m a werewolf, but because there are bags of unattended Halloween candy all over the house.

Me: I need to make better life choices.

Also me: CAKE FOR BREAKFAST IT IS.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?

Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.

My trainer told me to listen to my body. So now I’m in bed eating a cheeseburger.

Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.

One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.

I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.

Don’t complain to me about gaining weight until you’ve outgrown a necklace.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

step 1. log onto instagram
step 2. find wedding day hashtags, ex. “SmithWedding2014”
step 3. use hashtag
step 4. post pictures of yaks

*takes my split ends to couples counseling*

Saying someone is doing something “like a boss” to me is an insult because my boss does things half assed & incorrectly then blames others

Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.

when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again