Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Very suspicious that this keeps happening

Tried to pull off a smokey eye, ended up looking like I went three rounds with McGregor

This checks out

Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.

Assert dominance by bringing up religion, sex, vaccines, politics and world war 2 in the first 30 minutes at your new partner’s family Christmas lunch.

Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?

Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.

ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse

COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?

ME: It’s like a big, fast dog

Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.

[principal’s office]

“Your child’s previous school indicates you’re a bit of a helicopter parent.”

Velociraptor: That’s got to be a typo.

VAMPIRE: ur making this weird

ME: my neck is ticklish!

My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on sale

My search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food

My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”

Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.

Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.

Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.

If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.

I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.

When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.

It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.

Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?

Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely

Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

Not sure why “you’ve made your bed, now lie in it” is supposed to be a bad thing. It sounds pleasant. I’ll even lie in a bed I didn’t make.

#MovieMashUpsMadeInHell Fifty Shades Darther

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less

We’ve secretly replaced Janet’s coffee with melatonin capsules. Let’s see if— okay yeah, she noticed. She looks pissed. Sleepy, but pissed…

Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins

If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.

we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive