Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Trick-or-treating has been canceled, so this Halloween I will be giving out advice.

I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair

Dear kids, let me tell you a story about childhood disappointment.

I work with my husband, so we can write off marital counseling as a business expense, right?

Me: No serial killer will ever lure me into their murder van. I’ m too smart for that.

Murderer:

*Aquarium

GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus

ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok

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When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.

But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me

PATIENT: Doc, I haven’t been able to bone my wife lately and I really think-
DR DOG: Wait. Tell me more about the bone part

This is a fact based meme 😏😂

My attachment style is PDF which is why older people don’t know how to get me to open up half the time

Little Drummer Boy: I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum.

Mary: What about that rad drum?

Little Drummer Boy: No

Mary: Get out

turning a backwards chair forwards and sitting down normally to let my students know I have no interest in relating to them

All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?

Egg drop soup
Egg clumsy
Egg bad waiter
Egg fired again
Egg turn to life of crime

Who is the highest ranking officer at the hospital?

General Anesthesia

A general rule of parenting: If you’re having a great day, a 4yo will be along shortly to vomit all over you.

So many friends have kids now it’s tough to meet for coffee, let alone carry out the greatest casino heist the world has ever known

You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.

Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.

[being held hostage]

Me: this is nice

Kidnapper: what

Me: I love to be held

Seekh Kebab
Not attention

“Wow, more ABBA. Shocking.”

-anyone on road trips with me

I don’t like to brag, but I don’t need it to be Friday the 13th in order to murder someone.

Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.

Happy Mother’s Day

I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks

I hate when I think someone’s funny, and then they tweet a joke I saw on a baby onesie advertised on instagram. you tricked me

I’ve come to realize that cleaning my house with everyone home is like brushing your teeth while eating oreos.

HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD