My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars
Wife: I’m leaving you
Wife: because you always make up lies to get me intrigued
Me: well then I guess you’ll never find the buried treasure
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My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…
…and now he’s refolding them.
1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.
In case of emergency, run faster than everyone else.
Make your daily standup meeting shorter
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”