Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@LarrysTwin99

My neighbors had the nerve to say I give them creepy looks but I don’t understand how they can see my eyes behind my binoculars

@Divergentmama

My husband told me he thinks he folded the towels right, so I told him I think he might get lucky tonight…

…and now he’s refolding them.

@tech_pirate

1 in 5 people are Chinese. Only 5 people in my family, it’s either mom or dad, brother Colin, younger brother Ho Chan. I think it’s Colin.

@sixfootcandy

Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.

@RatchetAfrican

If you’re sad about being alone on Valentine’s Day, just remember.. Nobody loves you on the other days of the year either.

@kelownagoose

In case of emergency, run faster than everyone else.

@agenteo

Make your daily standup meeting shorter

@decentbirthday

Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious

@_SingleBabyMama

My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”

@HogwartsLogics

THIS