Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
You Might Also Like
Me: I wonder why my stomach hurts
Taco Bell: that’s weird, I dunno what it could be
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
How high was Pac-Man tryin to eat ghosts? bruh
[first cat being domesticated]
What’s that thing your petting?
“It’s called a cat”
Do they bite?
“Oh ya LOL all the time!”
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
ME: *flipping over a saltine like a Tarot card* Oh that’s not good.
this is me not knowing my powerpoint presentation was not showing up on the screen but my wallpaper instead
11: Dad, what’s your spirit animal?
Mine’s a tiger.Me: Remember that chubby mouse named Gus in the baby-tee from Cinderella?
11: …
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
My mom was in town and stopped by with a ‘mom care package’ several days ago.
It included clean wipes because “they’re handy when you know a shower isn’t going to happen.”
I now smell like a toddler.
Giving the guy at the park with a machete a wide berth.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
MOCKINGBIRD: Blah blah blah! Harper Lee is an idiot!
HARPER LEE: I just had a great idea for a book.
starbucks: we’ve banned plastic straws!
me: oh hell yes
starbucks: yeah we’ve got these cool new lids instead
me: what are they made of
starbucks: plastic
me:
starbucks:
me:
starbucks: wait shit
Christmas note to self: too much tequila makes tinsel look tasty.
I’ve met all my fitness goals by integrating a balanced diet of lower standards.
The Heimlich maneuver doesn’t work when you choke on your own words…..I know this now
Ride your bike to the bar, they said. You’ll never forget how to ride a bike, they said.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
10: Can we go to the adoption store and pick up a new baby?
Me: Sweet girl, Mama has 4 kids. If we go right now it’s probably to drop off.
I miss the days when people thought I was gross for liking cottage cheese. Now you guys are blending it up and eating it with raw Brussels sprouts and mustard? You need to cool it. Right now.
*stops drinking liquids at 5pm*
BLADDER AT 3AM: still not good enough
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
Cake is healthy because it’s baked and not fried
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.