Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
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KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
Growing up, mum was always like a beautiful bird. She would fly away and when she returned many hours later she would puke everywhere.
looks like stacy’s mom has got some competition
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
Me: They say this virus is dangerous for older people
My grandfather: It’s a Grampademic
Me:
My grandfather: The Grampacalypse
Me:
My grandfather: Grandmageddon
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
Any zoo can be a petting zoo if you’re really good at climbing fences.
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Note to self: when cooking in the oven results will be a lot better if oven door is closed before you go and watch telly for half an hour
My family seemed kinda happy that the rice I made yesterday fell on the floor before I could serve it tonight.
9-year-old: *swings an umbrella*
Me: That’s not a toy.
9: I know. It’s a weapon.
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
No matter how stupid you feel, remember, Little Red Riding Hood couldn’t figure out a talking wolf in drag wasn’t her grandmother
Wow, so it’s true… Toddlers in Tiaras is the prequel to 16 and Pregnant which is the Prequel to Intervention
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
(Job Interview)
Interviewer: So, tell me about yourself.
Me: I’m unemployed.
I: How about something personal?
Me: Personally I need a job.
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
No one gaslights better than a toddler caught red-handed.
[Toddler covered in icing]
Did you touch the cake?
NO YOU DID
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
dogs go woof
and cows go moo.#PoetryDay #RubbishJokes
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Time is said to be a great healer, which is presumably why the waiting lists are so long.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Sesame Street didn’t prepare me for any of this bullshit.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.