Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I haven’t waited this long for a result since I asked my wife to marry me.

Me: it was my grandmother’s ring

Her: *gasp* it’s beautiful

Me: and this is my mother’s wedding dress

Her: your… your family is okay with you trick or treating in that?

judge: please, rephrase the question

yoda lawyer:

A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.

Boss asked if I was ready for more responsibility. I’m eating around a sticker on an apple cause I’m too lazy to peel it off so I guess no.

Party Cat & Scaredy Cat

My son walked in from kindergarten and set his backpack down with a sigh. “Tough day today,” he said. “A lot of stress.” “What happened?” I asked. “We started the letter J today,” he replied. “It’s giving me lots of trouble.”

One cake enters. No cake leaves.

If I was a weather man I’d leak the weather early to pretty women

why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening

therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?

me: no no, i said arsonist

therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now

me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen

*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*

Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

The 50k lady’s grandfather left her money that he could’ve spent on himself, and she handed it to scammers. Folks, NEVER provide for your family

there are two types of people:

– someone who texts an entire paragraph before hitting send

– someone who texts that same paragraph and hits send after every third word

If by prepped for Irma you mean have I eaten all the ice cream before the power goes out then yes I’m totally prepped for Irma.

My husband was typing and asked me how to spell suspicious and now I am.

I texted my husband “I want pizza but I need to go to the gym” in the hopes that he would try and steer me back on the right path and motivate me to go to the gym. But instead he replied “Same, let’s get pizza” and so yes it is true that marriage makes you fat

*Michael Cera stubs his toe on a cotton ball*

3: I don’t want to go to sleep, I want to take a nap

Me: That’s fine, take a nap

3: Okay. I’ll take a long nap till morning

Me: Great!

3 *Five sec later*: I’m napping now!

Me: What exactly do you think “nap” means?!

If I see under 30s getting married, I want to kiss them for their optimism and punch them for their stupidity.

I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.

I’m spending today at the third day of a three day antiques fair. I waited until the third day because I wanted the antiques to be as old as possible.

One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day

If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.

With my luck, I’ll die and get reincarnated as myself.

Do not squander your short time on earth acquiring worldly possessions. Instead, try to get laid a lot.

Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.

The average Hollywood producer green-lights 8 Spiderman reboots in his sleep