Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME: Excuse me…Where’s the rowing boat equipment?
EMPLOYEE: Keep going down there, Oar Aisle.
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME:
EMPLOYEE:
ME: Or you’ll what?

I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.

Of course I do cardio it’s called running from my problems, Gretchen.

Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit

tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away

I like the show on fox news where there are 4 conservative idiots yelling at one liberal idiot.

Me: I got the vaccine!

MIL: I’m coming for a visit

Me: I don’t want it anymore!

BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir

Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.

Husband: Quick. What’s this song?

Me: Awful.

If God had a sense of humor herpes would glow in the dark.

If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.

My 10yo got a “30 Days of Self-Care” calendar from school with activities she’s supposed to do each day of the month and my self-care activity is ignoring it.

⚰

“And thou shalt know those whom God has chosen for eternal salvation in the following manner: they shall retweet this.” Revelation 4:12.

If experience has taught me anything, I’ve forgotten what it was.

me 2 months after i graduated

SHAGGY: hey Scoob you look like you have a bad case of updog
SCOOBY-DOO: rut’s updog
SHAGGY: not much what’s up with you man lol
SCOOBY-DOO: ruck rou Raggy

emails from companies that start with stuff like “only nine weeks left to…” who are these for? who has their life together enough to act that far in advance. I don’t know what I’m wearing to work in ten minutes.

okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS

Me in 2022: when will my child talk

My child in 2024: WELL MOMMY DO YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT I AM FINKING NOW? I AM FINKING ABOUT MR. WOGERS WENT TO THE ZOO AND SAW A PANDA. IT IS DARK. MOMMY WE SHOULD GET A WANTERN FOR OUR PORCH. AND A VERY SHORT STORY IS ONCE UPON A TIME THE END

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_

– MILKMAN!!

– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”

A lady told me that Autism is punishment for the sins of the parent.

That is the story of me punching a lady in a church parking lot.

I’m not the type of superstitious idiot who worries about bad luck on Friday 13th. That’s silly. Me, I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of over-sexed teenagers, then kick back and chill.

RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?

ME (has a degree in computer science): No

Me: May I see your report card?
Grandson: I don’t have it.
Me: Why not?
Gs: I gave it to my friend. He wanted to scare his parents.

*Shakes wife awake

“Honey. I’ve done it. I’ve invented a time machine!”

Wife:Omg kill Hitler!

“What? It’s a time machine: it tells time.”

Ladies, wonder if he’s busy or ignoring your texts? Offer to send nudes. If he instantly responds, he was totally ignoring you before.

Whenever I’m sharing an elevator and someone reaches for the panel I gently push their hand down and say “no.”