WIFE: I’m leaving
ME: Well it’s no suprise, our relationship has slowly deteriorated and I’m not sure we even like each other any more
WIFE: I’m leaving to go to the shops
ME: Ooh get tacos
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I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
The local casino is hosting a speed dating event.
Just what every woman needs, a new boyfriend with a gambling problem.
Welcome back to another episode of Did I Close the Ziplock Bag Properly?
[vasectomy]
Doctor: how did that vase get in there, again?
There needs to be some universal way to say “it smelled like that when I went in there” when exiting a bathroom. I’m tired of paying for other people’s crimes.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
don’t usually brag about helping people, but when I saw an old lady drop her groceries, I yelled: “lift with a straight back!” it felt good
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
“Hey look, a corn maze!”
– me, drunk, about to get lost in a corn maze
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Just remembered when out of embarrassment I told a train passenger I was crying because my boyfriend dumped me when the real reason was I was listening to the Lion King soundtrack
based al yankovic
It’s time to clean the refrigerator when something closes the door from the inside…
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
Me: Can you describe the suspect?
Him: He was heavily armed
Me *writing octopus* this is bad
I wish I was a baby so I could pass out in public with a bottle and no one would look twice.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Me: Kids, never take candy from strangers!
Also me on Halloween: I want more Twix, go ask that clown with the red balloon for some.
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
*jogging*
Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up
Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*
*passes thru suburbs* roll up ur window, son. this is a bad neighborhood. this is where ppl who comment on newspaper articles live
me: yeah I’m a writer I’ve been published online
uber driver: oh cool me too
fly splatting on windscreen: same
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed