Wife: I’m pissed!
Me: still or again?
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my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
[inventing Canada geese] what if bagpipes could fly
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
*on a first date*
Me: I’m in financ-
Her: oh finance that’s cool
Me: ial debt. Crippling financial debt
ME: wow nice costume
COP: step out of the car sir
Kids will say anything to procrastinate sleep. Tonight my 3yo called me into his room to tell me that he “bit his teeth.” Ok… well, now bite them with your eyes closed.
white people writing latinos in fics: i kissed my ten brothers and sisters goodbye and stepped out of my pueblo on the way to school. i blast gasolina in my headphones as i walk past the mariachi band. sometimes it’s hard para me to creer because i olvidar a switch languages
My organic chemistry class was at 7am and the teacher stressed how important it was for us to get enough sleep… so I slept in class.
normal person: 9+7=16
me: if 10+7 is 17 and 9 is one less than 10 then 9+7 must be 16
If it takes a village to raise a child, why are my neighbors sipping coffee peacefully on their front porch while I do all the work?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
This is not how I wanted to learn the Greek alphabet
Had to do a parent phone call today. The parent asked me why I was calling them about their child’s behavioral issues. I-
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
[courtroom]
Lawyer: If you didnt bite that surfers leg THEN WHO DID
Shark: I’m telling you idk
*whale in the audience opens a big newspaper*
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
My wife is upset we can’t afford a vacation this year because I kept paying the kids to behave while I was driving
I wish the Popemobile was outfitted more like a little aquarium for him. Put a treasure chest in there, maybe even a scuba guy.
[Heaven]
Me: What happened?
God: You were sending a DM & got hit by a bus.
Me: I only have one ques-
God: Sorry, man. She was totes a dude.
an I working from home…. or living at work? 🤔🤔🤔
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
I was just in line at the store and standing awkwardly and tried to put my hands in my pockets but my jeans don’t have pockets and THIS IS WHY WOMEN ARE ALWAYS ANGRY
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Brain: Follow your heart
Heart: Go with your gut
Gut: Pick the grilled cheese
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
Looking good, Kim! #LNSM
i don’t give a shit what you losers think i’m clapping when the plane lands
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
