Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[deciding when to tweet]

Me: *throws grass into the air* Not yet

[traffic stop]

COP: where ya headed?

ME: on my way home

COP: *shining flashlight in my backseat*

ME: look at me when I’m speaking to you

[phone w/ son while in bank thats being robbed]
in case this goes bad, go to google on the iPad and delete “can owls fly” before mom sees it

Loyalty is very important for my wife…

My girlfriend doesn’t care.

Funny how different sisters can be! 😜

If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.

Nothing tests the marriage bond like being stranded in an airport with kids.

“people on the internet are so unhinged” no that’s just people in general, the internet is just how you find out

*At Super Bowl Party*

Hey baby, they’ve got a WHOLE bunch of shrimp here, did you bring the big purse?

When I was 23, I was doing improv and was afraid to let people in the scene know I was gay. Now, I’m happy to be gay and ashamed to let people know I used to do improv.

Monday: *exist*

Garfield, my lawyer: *presents lasagna-stained Cease and Desist order*

The spider sees a delicious cave opening and works quickly, spinning an intricate, elegant web. She steps back, smiling at her work, tears in all of her eyes. It is brilliant.

Me: *closes my mouth after the longest and best yawn ever*

Spider: noooooooooo

When I was a kid, I swore I would never grow up to be a grumpy old man and today I got mad at a hat for being orange

I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no

I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.

I like my women like I like my moon: hidden behind a dark mist and worshipped by wolves

This kid is being so annoying at the playdate, I called his mom, but she won’t come pick him up..
She says it’s ‘my husband, my problem’ ugh

I recently purchased some really good kitchen knives so now I have to stock up on bandaids because I clearly don’t know how to use really good kitchen knives.

I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast it had to be done by Elvis

BETRAYAL

Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.

Me: *wearing a short-sleeved button down with mixed flowers and skulls*

Super old lady at the pharmacy: “You know it’s a SIN to make me covet my neighbor’s blouse!”

I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.

[I just barely squeeze thru the elevator doors as they shut, however my chain wallet get caught, ripping my pants off as the elevator rises]

You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.

I’d give my left arm to be able to leave work and go kayaking.

Albeit it in very slow counterclockwise circles.

Some people are like sunglasses. Your day just becomes so much brighter when you accidentally drop them off the side of the boat

We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners

Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.

We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?