Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Random Company: “Why would you like to work for our company?”

Me: “Well sir/madam, I’ve grown very fond of eating and having a roof over my head and I don’t want to lose that.”

If you play connect the dots with the back acne of a bodybuilder, you get a realistic portrait of Arnold Schwarzenegger

*rips finished page from adult coloring book*

*puts it on daughter’s toy kitchen fridge*

Friend: oh my god there’s two of you

My evil clone: I’m the real one, I swear

Me: [remembering I promised I’d go out and socialise tonight] yea she’s right

[opening the fridge to find no yummy snacks inside]

[me to the fridge] you had one job

genie: please no
millipede: more legs

coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas

I tried to twerk and have spent most of the afternoon stuffing my waistline back into my shorts.

Why do you have a peloton sticker on your car?
ARE YOU PEDALING??

My dream job is to be a gargoyle spitting rainwater away from the foundation of a cathedral

Ever pick a booger so big that you get it out and suddenly it’s like you’re on top of a mountain, inhaling the world’s largest and most refreshing breath of air that ever was breathed?

Was standing in my front yard last night and some neighborhood kids tried to deflate me.

It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.

The only appointment I’m ever on time for is disappointment.

Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”

Have you ever been so jealous of an idea

Accidentally ruined my 9yo’s entire life because I said “toilet” too loud in a public place.

I lost my thumb in a serious movie rating accident.

I shouldn’t play with Legos? It says “Ages 7 & Up”. 30 is higher than 7.

Instead of calling me immature, you need to go take a math class.

Cornhub…

For them dirty farmers.

Might start docking extra points from students who aren’t smart enough to cheat on their distance learning vocab tests.

Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”

I hate it when I imagine how a conversation will go and then in the actual conversation the person goes off script. That’s not your line, Todd.

friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.

me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?

The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.

I have, a really beautiful body

under my floor boards

Son: Dad, I want to be in politics when I grow up.

Dad: Are you insane?
Have you completely lost your mind?
Are you a moron?

Son: Forget it! There are way too many requirements!

Detective: one of you is the murderer

The actual murderer: *remains calm*

Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*

Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.

My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.